I am a failure

It took me seven months but I finally made my first trip to the gym yesterday. I got to run, lift free weights (chest) and chisel my abs. It was glorious.

One of the reasons why I enjoy working out so much is the chance it gives me to stare at myself in the mirrors.

No, not in that vain kind of way. (If I had more impressive muscles, maybe it would in that vain kind of way.)

In between sets I like sitting down and staring into my reflected self's eyes in the mirror in front of me. I just stare into my own eyes and ponder me - something I never do outside of the weight room.

When I do this, I am almost always led to thoughts of disappointment with myself. Yes, partly because of how little weight I am lifting compared to the centaur next to me, but mostly because of thoughts that are quite similar to this one haunting question:

After 27 years, this is all you've become?

Yesterday, just as I began this process, a song began playing. Its first few lines go like this:

And it's all right, it's all right
And it's all right, it's all right
Everybody is a failure in this light

I couldn't help but to grin.

glory (n.)

I was walking home yesterday and began to pray through the Lord's Prayer. A while ago I heard someone say that the Lord's Prayer touches upon all the essential aspects of prayer. So, sometimes when words to say to my Father do not come easily, I pray through the prayer that Jesus taught us. In other words, I pray each line, pause, and pray it in my own personal, current words, in a way that means something to me where I am right now.

If you've never try this, I think you should. You'll be surprised at how long you can pray for, and how many hidden things will surface in your words.

Anyway, I eventually came to the last line:

"For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen."

Then I thought: what does glory really mean?

So, I looked it up in Webster's New World College Dictionary, Fourth Edition:

1.

a) great honor and admiration won by doing something important or valuable; fame; renown

b) anything bringing this

2. worshipful adoration or praise
3. the condition of highest achievement, splendor, prosperity, etc. [Greece in her glory]
4. radiant beauty or splendor; magnificence
5. heaven or the bliss of heaven
6.

a) a halo or its representation in art

b) any circle of light

I hope this blesses you in some way.

"Prayer" by C.S. Lewis

Master, they say that when I seem
To be in speech with you,
Since you make no replies, it's all a dream
--One talker aping two.

They are half right, but not as they
Imagine; rather, I
Seek in myself the things I meant to say,
And lo! The wells are dry.

Then, seeing me empty, you forsake
The Listener's role, and through
My dead lips breathe and into utterance wake
The thoughts I never knew.

And thus you neither need reply
Nor can; thus, while we seem
Two talking, thou are One forever, and I
No dreamer, but thy dream.

Offensive silence

"Please hold."
























OK, I'm back.

That is an illustration of what I experienced during my time back at home. Let me explain.

During my first day at home I got a call on my home land line phone, but the caller ID showed that it was 'Out of area' and from my experience, nine times out of 10 a caller that is 'Out of area' is a telemarketer of some sort, so I did not pick up.

The caller left a message, and sure enough it was a machine caller that left this simple message: "Please hold."

When I heard the message, I literally said out loud - "Wow, how kind," before joyfully deleting the message.

I've received these types of calls before, and I'm sure many of you have as well. You pick up the phone, say "Hello?" and a machine tells you to "Please hold." Usually after that a telemarketer picks up and tries to sell you something.

Well, I don't know about you, but my first reaction when I hear a machine tell me to "Please hold," without so much as a greeting, I'm a bit offended. I find it impersonal and condescending - a killer combo.

This got me thinking - God does this too.

It's my understanding that he does this on multiple levels. On a large scale, for believers he has literally "called" us, and, thanks to our irresistible Father, we picked up. When we do, we may or may not have received an immediate communication of his desired direction for our lives. Regardless, more times than not, after he has called us, both in terms of awakening us to his grace and salvation, and in terms of our long-term life path, there is this unsettling pause, an almost frightening, and oftentimes frustrating silence about the details.

This also happens when a burden is placed squarely on our hearts. We're left with a burning desire to act, but it often takes many days, weeks, months or years for it to gain traction, for our Lord to shine his light on the good path that we should shoulder this, his burden, on.

The sad thing is, it seems to me that I too often get discouraged during these times of silence, "undirection" and holding. I eagerly respond with a "Hello?" only to hear a voice say "Please hold." And when I do, I allow myself to lose grip on...everything.

But the reason I lose my grip and sometimes end up hanging up is the fact that I forget two things: who the caller is and the fact that he has even called me at all!

For those of us who feel that we have been put on hold by God, especially after a call or burden that we fervently embraced, it's my prayer that we'll ponder these two facts, and that we'll read through the Bible to see the good company we are in (David, anyone?).

On a grander scale, and in view of the coming weekend of such importance for us, Jesus' 33 years on earth was something that many people embraced. But after his death, all of his ardent followers were, in a very real sense, put on hold for three excruciating days - three days of horrible silence.

"Please hold."

But after those three days, the silence was beautifully ended. (I would imagine that many fell away during those 72 hours... I would also imagine that many tearfully returned to God, with quivering hearts, lips and affections...joining the likes of Peter.)

May we view our holds in light of those three days and the ending of it that we are so familiar and grateful for. Surely, if God ended that terrible hold, he will end ours as well - sometimes as a smooth continuation of what was expected, and sometimes as a jarring shift in gears that takes us to beauties unforeseen.

He will return again.

(I apologize for the wordiness and convoluted thoughts here. I put these thoughts on "hold" in order to allow them to ferment a bit more in me, but I was so overwhelmed by their wine that I think it made it difficult to tame in this post. If you've read this, you're more patient than I.)

"A wonderful thing about God’s silence is that His stillness is contagious— it gets into you, causing you to become perfectly confident so that you can honestly say, "I know that God has heard me." His silence is the very proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will always bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of His silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy— silence." - Oswald Chambers