Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Friday, May 08, 2009
My life gets in the way of my Life
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39 (ESV, emphasis added)
God,
About two weeks ago, I joined some members of my small group to worship with a ministry that serves homeless people in Chicago.
I walked into the room during the time of singing praise songs and was first struck by how stuffy it was; then, with envy, at how freely the congregation was singing and celebrating.
One of the songs, the title of which I do not remember, had a bridge that went like this:
I love you more than life
My lips were poised and ready to sing along, but my tongue was not - it could not. As everyone repeated that line I was standing in the back with my throat locked, tears welling up in my eyes and streaming down my face because I could not honestly sing those simple words.
If I were to convey to you, my Lord, every emotion and thought that rushed through me, I would not sleep tonight. Yet you know what I felt during those few minutes: disappointment, rage, confusion, self-hatred...and so much more.
My life - which has all the luster of a rusted nail - was keeping me from singing, earnestly, that I love you more than life? Father, how can this be?
Does the pool keep me from the beach? Does the mp3 keep me from the concert? Does the IM box keep me from the friend?
Then why, Father, does my broken-down, scarred, charred, hideous life keep me from loving you more than it? Why, Lord, am I so enthralled with this ghastly whore when my peerless beloved stands before me?
Even as you repair and mend this fractured life and bring it to full beauty, give the eyes of my heart true sight that I might see, more and more, how undesirable it will always be compared to you. As you bridge the gap between you and me, may the gap between my love for you and my love for this life widen - eternally, infinitely.
Loosen my tongue, imbue my heart with truth, that I might one day sing those simple words, truly.
Yet, tonight, I rest in this: that you have spoken to this matter already, speaking through your servant to tell me that no one and nothing, not even my life, will ever separate me from your love.
My throat is locking and tears are welling up again.
Thank you.
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39 (ESV, emphasis added)
Thursday, May 07, 2009
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