FINISHED STORIES

Every now and then, I think of story ideas that seem like the first few threads of a resplendent tapestry. And there have been times when I've actually sat down and either written or typed out the first few lines or paragraphs of these stories. But in the end, I always come up against obstacles that abort these ventures: scarce time, lost momentum or the discovery that what seemed like an interesting story idea was anything but.

It's so damn frustrating, but I often feel that if I had more time, I could eventually overcome these obstacles and knock out at least one story that would absolutely captivate at least one reader on this planet.

I encountered this scenario again tonight and was met with the same cold wall.

But tonight, I was taken a step further:

I wondered what it would be like if I could have eternity to myself. This would give me the "time" to pursue and conclude every single story my fickle mind conjures up. Then I wondered what it would be like if I had eternity plus perfect sensibility, because this would mean that there would be no wasted "time" -- that no story my mind thought of would be fruitless and worthy of eventual abandonment, that every story my mind thought of would be satisfying and worthy of finishing.

The next jump is fairly obvious: I thought of God, whom Peter called "the Author of life" and whom C.S. Lewis referred to as "the author."

God is eternal, unbounded by time, relentless, almighty, good and perfect.

So, I am led to believe (forgive my casual wording):

• all story lines he pursues are good, with only satisfying endings in store
• he will inexorably pursue every thread he creates, until they all meet each other in himself -- the bigger picture, the deeper beauty
• free of "time," he will give every story his undivided attention, so to speak
• he is "able" to ensure that all stories brought forth will end well, no matter the plot twists -- in fact, he is "unable" to do otherwise

In a harsh world where so many good things come to naught, where so many precious things are ended too soon, where so many bad things are pursued to dead ends, where our time is so severely driven to secondary things -- in this world, knowing the attributes of my Author is tearfully comforting.

***

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. (John 13:1 ESV)

I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge—even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you—so that you are not lacking in any gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. (1 Corinthians 1:4-9 ESV)

FIT TO BE SEEN

Here's something I wrote back in 2006, unedited:

 "I have no pleasure in seeing my friends, unless I can believe myself fit to be seen." - Mr. Frank Churchill (in Emma, by Jane Austen)

This line occurs in a conversation between Emma Woodhouse and Mr. Frank Churchill, when the said characters are engaging in a conversation about how Mr. Churchill spent an entire day away in order to get his hair cut.

I think that there is some deeper significance in this one line that I can overanalyze and share with you all.

"Without question, one of the most frustrating things about the Christian life is the apparent contradiction between what God reckons us to be and what we, by experience, know ourselves to be." - Robin Boisvert

That summarizes what is likely every Christian's most arduous and tortuous battle.  We know what God deems us to be, and still it is impossible to ignore what we know we are by the acts we carry out, the thoughts we conceive, and the words we utter.  Our lowly self-esteem trumps our Lord's undeserving favorable gaze of affection towards us.

But, there are those shining moments of spurious glory where our actions, thoughts, and words somehow find themselves in line with the status we have with our Lord.  These are those seasons where we think we can finally deem ourselves to be deserving of God's love and grace, where we believe ourselves "fit to be seen."

And if we are not in one of these seasons?  Well, then all pleasure of "seeing" God, of communing with Him, of praying with Him, of serving Him, is gone.

The painful irony and quandary is, to put it gently, irreverent to God.

We place the sight we see in the mirror above His perspective that we read about in the Scriptures.

If we were to take Mr. Frank Churchill's quote and tweak it to fit this example, it would sound something like this:

"I have no pleasure in seeing my God, unless I can believe myself fit to be seen."

or, more specifically...

"I have no pleasure in conversing with, serving, or loving my God unless I can believe myself fit to converse with, serve, or love Him."

The word in this line that carries the most weight is "pleasure."  It is not that we just feel unworthy, but that that feeling takes away the "pleasure" in our relationship with God.  Furthermore, it is our wayward belief that determines the pleasure (or lack of) we find in our relationship with God.

A paradigm shift is in order.

CONFESSION

You know what absolutely kills me inside? Knowing that I'll never be the best at a single damn thing in this world.

But you know what keeps me sane? Knowing that I'm fully aware of this.