Paucity

Everything and everyone in this world is more valuable when they are made scarce. While paucity is never desired when it comes to good things, the value and worth of those good things increases as they become more rare. Natural resources, money, people...they all increase in value when they become harder to attain. So, in a strange way, we should desire these good things to remain somewhat scarce, or else they might lose their goodness.

So, why does God make himself infinitely available to us?

If he starved us for him, for his blessings, for his presence, wouldn't so many of his people yearn for him with far more fervency than they do now? Wouldn't his name be sweeter on our lips if we were not allowed to utter it with such flippancy, and sometimes even with malice? Wouldn't his words be more beautiful to our minds' eyes, more indelible to our hearts if we did not have such easy access to them? Wouldn't free fellowship with him be vastly more desirable if our freedom to do so was only offered us for tiny windows of time every month?

Sometimes I think that loving God is harder when he grants us so much peace around our respective territories, when he makes himself so available to us. His blessings almost become burdens, in more ways than one. His availability to me almost becomes suffocating, and I near the point of tears when I realize how little of him I truly access each day.

This is where I have been lately. I am struggling with God's blessings, even his grace towards me. They become burdensome to me sometimes, partly because they are so undeserved, partly because I am too feeble and sullied to fully appreciate their profound worth.

I hate the fact that my love for him seems to be alloyed with every signpost of heaven he plants on my path.