Alone

"You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created." - C.S. Lewis

Living alone has been mostly enjoyable so far. The pros have considerably outweighed the cons. It might have to do with the newness of it all, since I have never lived alone before, but still, it is pleasing to me.

I get to bask in my introvertedness for most of my evenings, and I like that.

I've heard people say they want to live alone because they desire to be away from people that annoy them at home.

While I am not one of those people, I have found that the appeal of being away from the annoyance of other people is a fleeting, if not false benefit of living by yourself.

I can only speak for myself, but I have found that the more I am alone, the more I annoys me. Terrible grammar, I know, but it's the best way I know how to say it.

Especially as a student who is constantly being humbled and challenged, there are many sober realizations as I look into that proverbial mirror, which has become ubiquitous somehow.

I constantly wonder - after more than 26 years of living, is this all I have become? Is this the furthest point I've reached so far in my life? Mentally, physically, spiritually, is this the zenith of my existence-to-date? Is this the return on all the investments poured into me?

Immediate sadness, regret and resignation imbues my heart, and at once I become irritated with me.

I realize that no matter where I am, no matter who I am with or not with, I am my own permanent roommate. I cannot get rid of me or leave me and instead choose another me.

Still, I begrudgingly count this as a benefit to living alone.

Because in this isolated condition, each passing minute feels more measured, deliberate and meaningful as I become familiar with what is approaching.

I cannot help but to bear with me, and I am led to believe that God also cannot help but to bear with me in the same manner, though he is glad to.

Just as I am alone with me, God, unbounded by time and place, is alone with me, every second of my miserable being.

The difference, I am trying to understand, is while I am unhappy to be stuck with myself, God is infinitely happy to have me as his - not because of who I appear to be in my own eyes, but because of who I actually am in his.

The rest of my years will be mostly the same - I will continue to be disappointed with who I am, and he will continue to be pleased with who I am becoming and have already become.

My joy is knowing that his pleasure will eventually meet with my discouragement - and his sentiment will win and overcome mine, and will even become mine.

It will be a delight like none other I have ever known, because it will, for the first time, be absent of me. That joy will finally be one that is perfectly calibrated and wonderfully aimed.

The struggle to embrace this thought allows me to dig further underneath what I see and to hold my head a bit higher as I tolerate me, alone.

"This is not a perfect illustration, of course. But it may give just a glimpse of what I believe to be the truth. God is not hurried along in the Time-stream of this universe any more than an author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel. He has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man in the world." - C.S. Lewis

"They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory." - C.S. Lewis