WAITING ALONE

Here's something I wrote back in 2008, unedited:

Well, I'm almost fully moved into my new studio apartment in Evanston, IL. I'll try to post photos later on.

Last night I was given the privilege of eating some Lou Malnati's pizza. It was delicious. (Maybe better than Giordano's.)

However, during the early part of the dinner, I noticed a woman sitting by herself at a table near ours. I was burdened by that scene, because I wanted so badly for her not to be stood up by someone. So, for a good 20 minutes I made sure to monitor her situation in the corner of my left eye, and for a good 20 minutes my fear that she would be stood up grew bigger and bigger. With it, my pity towards her ballooned.

To my relief and, strangely, happiness, her party eventually came (late, it seemed). Two men and a woman, with one man walking over to her side of the table and kissing her gently on the lips.

Disaster avoided, burden lifted, pity put to shame.

I was glad.

The one thing I noticed was her unwavering self-assurance. The woman never looked worried as she sat alone at the table. She seemed sure that her table would soon be filled, no matter how delayed.

It seems to me that this is an accurate depiction of what Christians appear to be to some non-believers. We spend so all our lives waiting for our friend to show up and rescue us from our loneliness. We (should) wait with confidence because of the pattern of faithfulness that he has already shown, and has promised to show.

"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God." - 2 Corinthians 3:4 (ESV)

"For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end." - Hebrews 3:14 (ESV)

Non-believers doubt that he will ever join us (or that he's even real), and some point and mock, while others just shake their heads and pity us.

I hope that we will be able to wait as confidently as that woman. The reactions we get from those around us do not matter one smidgen. We are only meant to wait with full assurance, patience, and joy.

However, this isn't where our part stops. We are even charged to eagerly and urgently invite others to join our table. It is our responsibility to tell them that our friend is worth more than their patronization, and that he renders their sympathy unnecessary.

We'll see many join the ranks of the empty tables, while others will lose faith and leave. But a steady course must be maintained. Our good friend will surely join us soon.

And in the end, a gentle kiss will be found.

ALONE

Here's something I wrote back in 2008, unedited:

"You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created." - C.S. Lewis

Living alone has been mostly enjoyable so far. The pros have considerably outweighed the cons. It might have to do with the newness of it all, since I have never lived alone before, but still, it is pleasing to me.

I get to bask in my introvertedness for most of my evenings, and I like that.

I've heard people say they want to live alone because they desire to be away from people that annoy them at home.

While I am not one of those people, I have found that the appeal of being away from the annoyance of other people is a fleeting, if not false benefit of living by yourself.

I can only speak for myself, but I have found that the more I am alone, the more I annoys me.  Terrible grammar, I know, but it's the best way I know how to say it.

Especially as a student who is constantly being humbled and challenged, there are many sober realizations as I look into that proverbial mirror, which has become ubiquitous somehow.

I constantly wonder - after more than 26 years of living, is this all I have become? Is this the furthest point I've reached so far in my life? Mentally, physically, spiritually, is this the zenith of my existence-to-date? Is this the return on all the investments poured into me?

Immediate sadness, regret and resignation imbues my heart, and at once I become irritated with me.

I realize that no matter where I am, no matter who I am with or not with, I am my own permanent roommate. I cannot get rid of me or leave me and instead choose another me.

Still, I begrudgingly count this as a benefit to living alone.

Because in this isolated condition, each passing minute feels more measured, deliberate and meaningful as I become familiar with what is approaching.

I cannot help but to bear with me, and I am led to believe that God also cannot help but to bear with me in the same manner, though he is glad to.

Just as I am alone with me, God, unbounded by time and place, is alone with me, every second of my miserable being.

The difference, I am trying to understand, is while I am unhappy to be stuck with myself, God is infinitely happy to have me as his - not because of who I appear to be in my own eyes, but because of who I actually am in his.

The rest of my years will be mostly the same - I will continue to be disappointed with who I am, and he will continue to be pleased with who I am becoming and have already become.

My joy is knowing that his pleasure will eventually meet with my discouragement - and his sentiment will win and overcome mine, and will evenbecome mine.

It will be a delight like none other I have ever known, because it will, for the first time, be absent of me. That joy will finally be one that is perfectly calibrated and wonderfully aimed.

The struggle to embrace this thought allows me to dig further underneath what I see and to hold my head a bit higher as I tolerate me, alone.

"This is not a perfect illustration, of course. But it may give just a glimpse of what I believe to be the truth. God is not hurried along in the Time-stream of this universe any more than an author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel. He has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man in the world." - C.S. Lewis

"They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory." - C.S. Lewis

Alone

"You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created." - C.S. Lewis

Living alone has been mostly enjoyable so far. The pros have considerably outweighed the cons. It might have to do with the newness of it all, since I have never lived alone before, but still, it is pleasing to me.

I get to bask in my introvertedness for most of my evenings, and I like that.

I've heard people say they want to live alone because they desire to be away from people that annoy them at home.

While I am not one of those people, I have found that the appeal of being away from the annoyance of other people is a fleeting, if not false benefit of living by yourself.

I can only speak for myself, but I have found that the more I am alone, the more I annoys me. Terrible grammar, I know, but it's the best way I know how to say it.

Especially as a student who is constantly being humbled and challenged, there are many sober realizations as I look into that proverbial mirror, which has become ubiquitous somehow.

I constantly wonder - after more than 26 years of living, is this all I have become? Is this the furthest point I've reached so far in my life? Mentally, physically, spiritually, is this the zenith of my existence-to-date? Is this the return on all the investments poured into me?

Immediate sadness, regret and resignation imbues my heart, and at once I become irritated with me.

I realize that no matter where I am, no matter who I am with or not with, I am my own permanent roommate. I cannot get rid of me or leave me and instead choose another me.

Still, I begrudgingly count this as a benefit to living alone.

Because in this isolated condition, each passing minute feels more measured, deliberate and meaningful as I become familiar with what is approaching.

I cannot help but to bear with me, and I am led to believe that God also cannot help but to bear with me in the same manner, though he is glad to.

Just as I am alone with me, God, unbounded by time and place, is alone with me, every second of my miserable being.

The difference, I am trying to understand, is while I am unhappy to be stuck with myself, God is infinitely happy to have me as his - not because of who I appear to be in my own eyes, but because of who I actually am in his.

The rest of my years will be mostly the same - I will continue to be disappointed with who I am, and he will continue to be pleased with who I am becoming and have already become.

My joy is knowing that his pleasure will eventually meet with my discouragement - and his sentiment will win and overcome mine, and will even become mine.

It will be a delight like none other I have ever known, because it will, for the first time, be absent of me. That joy will finally be one that is perfectly calibrated and wonderfully aimed.

The struggle to embrace this thought allows me to dig further underneath what I see and to hold my head a bit higher as I tolerate me, alone.

"This is not a perfect illustration, of course. But it may give just a glimpse of what I believe to be the truth. God is not hurried along in the Time-stream of this universe any more than an author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel. He has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man in the world." - C.S. Lewis

"They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory." - C.S. Lewis