I love everything about you that hurts

KNOCKED UP (WITH LOVE)

2012-02-02T09:52:00.000-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2007, unedited:

I saw the film 'Knocked Up' twice this week, and I think it's a very good movie. I mean, it's quite vulgar, and I hope that teenagers don't get the idea that having unprotected intercourse will end up fine and dandy, but it's a solid film. It's a great blend of comedy (consistent like dough in bread, not like blueberries in a blueberry muffin...wait, did I make sense?) with a substantial storyline that is steered almost flawlessly by the actors. I really liked this movie.

(By the way, the most underrated scene involves Ryan Seacrest. There's no way he was acting that.)

There were loads of great scenes, but the hotel room scene with the five chairs was definitely one of the standouts. It wasn't just hilarious, but I really think that in their drugged out state, Ben and Pete actually experienced a significant moment of clarity and understanding. As ironic as that is, I really think that's what made this scene so special.

I want to discuss Pete's epiphany. While he was freaking out about the chairs in the hotel room, Pete realizes (out loud) that the reason why his marriage is in trouble is the fact that his wife loves him.

"The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And Ican't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love," he says.

I really liked this part of the script. Not only did it strangely make complete sense for Pete's situation (and I'm sure many relationships/marriages), but it makes sense for those of us who aren't even in relationships or married.

It seems to me that the main, foundational, driving reason why Christians struggle in their faith is the fact that they cannot accept "pure love" and what it entails.

What I think I mean is that because God's love is perfect, it demands us. It does not demand anything of us, but it demands us. God wants us around.

But this is the problem for us, isn't it? Because we are sinful we do not want God around so much. Yes, we desire his hand in our lives when we are in need, and of course there are many times when we genuinely desire him. However, we always seem to draw lines around the areas of our lives that he can totally possess.

Our Lord always wants to speak with us (with, not just to), he is always waiting for us to share our thoughts and troubles and joys with him, he is always desiring to have us fully...not only because we are rightfully his, but because in his perfect love he desires our very best.

Oswald Chambers said, "The great enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but the goodwhich is not good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best."

Because we desire God's good we think that is enough. We turn our backs to him whenever he tries to offer us his best...namely, himself. We have no problem accepting his gifts, but we do have a problem accepting him.

Do you need proof of his love? Do you need a visual example of how much he loves us? Look no further than the cross, where Christ died for us so that we might experience the perfect love of our Father. Still, for whatever reasons, we turn our backs on what that perfect love offers us.

For me, the most practical thing this boils down to is my time. Yes, I have work and various other obligations. But do I spurn my Father with the time I have left? I know he wants to spend time with me because he has great things to say and show to me, but for some reason that's a problem for me. To be honest, there are many days where I won't spend more than 10-20 minutes reading the Bible or praying. And still I feel somewhat smothered by God's love and desire to spend time with me. It becomes an inconvenience to me.

I am like Pete. The biggest problem in my relationship with God is that he wants me around.

This old man in me, this sinful vestige is harnessing me to this wretched state. I don't say that to clear me of blame, but that is an undeniable fact. The old, sinful man in me cannot accept God's pure love...yet. I am looking forward to the day when that will change.

For now, I put my hope in (wouldn't you know it?) that perfect love of our Lord, because I know in it there is forgiveness, mercy, and a sure promise of progress and eventual perfection in the years to come.

Why do you mean so much to me? Help me to find words to explain. Why do I mean so much to you, that you should command me to love you? And if I fail to love you, you are angry and threaten me with great sorrow, as if not to love you were not sorrow enough in itself. Have pity on me and help me, O Lord my God. Tell me why you mean so much to me. - Saint Augustine

WAITING ALONE

2012-01-25T01:53:00.001-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2008, unedited:

Well, I'm almost fully moved into my new studio apartment in Evanston, IL. I'll try to post photos later on.

Last night I was given the privilege of eating some Lou Malnati's pizza. It was delicious. (Maybe better than Giordano's.)

However, during the early part of the dinner, I noticed a woman sitting by herself at a table near ours. I was burdened by that scene, because I wanted so badly for her not to be stood up by someone. So, for a good 20 minutes I made sure to monitor her situation in the corner of my left eye, and for a good 20 minutes my fear that she would be stood up grew bigger and bigger. With it, my pity towards her ballooned.

To my relief and, strangely, happiness, her party eventually came (late, it seemed). Two men and a woman, with one man walking over to her side of the table and kissing her gently on the lips.

Disaster avoided, burden lifted, pity put to shame.

I was glad.

The one thing I noticed was her unwavering self-assurance. The woman never looked worried as she sat alone at the table. She seemed sure that her table would soon be filled, no matter how delayed.

It seems to me that this is an accurate depiction of what Christians appear to be to some non-believers. We spend so all our lives waiting for our friend to show up and rescue us from our loneliness. We (should) wait with confidence because of the pattern of faithfulness that he has already shown, and has promised to show.

"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God." - 2 Corinthians 3:4 (ESV)

"For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end." - Hebrews 3:14 (ESV)

Non-believers doubt that he will ever join us (or that he's even real), and some point and mock, while others just shake their heads and pity us.

I hope that we will be able to wait as confidently as that woman. The reactions we get from those around us do not matter one smidgen. We are only meant to wait with full assurance, patience, and joy.

However, this isn't where our part stops. We are even charged to eagerly and urgently invite others to join our table. It is our responsibility to tell them that our friend is worth more than their patronization, and that he renders their sympathy unnecessary.

We'll see many join the ranks of the empty tables, while others will lose faith and leave. But a steady course must be maintained. Our good friend will surely join us soon.

And in the end, a gentle kiss will be found.

HAPPINESS VS. JOY

2012-01-24T10:06:00.003-05:00

"The difference between shallow happiness and a deep, sustaining joy is sorrow. Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can't stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope--and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend upon it) disappoint us." - Walter Wangerin Jr.

FAIR-WEATHER JOY

2012-01-23T20:18:00.002-05:00

One of my co-workers walked into the office this morning sporting a New York Giants hat. He wasn't alone: I saw a few people wearing Giants apparel in and around our building today. It was notable because in my approximately 1.8 years working in this office building, I don't recall ever seeing a single person wearing Giants gear. Then there were the countless people on Facebook changing their profile photos to show Giants logos and players.

I understood why this was, of course. The Giants won a thrilling game last night and earned a spot in the Super Bowl. The team's fans, though contributing nothing to the thing they were celebrating, had a right to boast and be happy. I couldn't help but grin at the sight of emerging Giants fans today, both online and off-line. While I didn't doubt their allegiance, I wondered why these fans didn't display such conspicuous pride for their team until today.

Then I began turning this lens on myself, the only fair thing to do. I began searching my own heart for this inclination toward timely, fair-weather pride, and it took me less than a minute to find it.

There's not a shade of doubt in my head or my heart that I love God. Though my actions and inactivity, my words and silence often betray otherwise, I do love him. He is the only good part of my life. No, actually, he is much more than that. Exclude "the only good part of" and that sentence rings truer. To call anything "good" apart from him is akin to calling today's weather "cupcakes." It's nonsensical, for apart from him I am not.

I am also certain that God has assured victory for me, and not an incremental one that takes me to yet another battle. He has defeated death -- the final opponent -- in all its forms. Depressions that seek to murder my soul, perversions that seek to rape my thoughts, false whispers that seek to seduce my pride -- these, and more, are all defanged. My God has destroyed all my opposition, everything that would seek to drag me away from my love to unimaginable perdition. Not only did he win, but he confers the benefits of his victory to me, though I had not a single mite to do with it. No, not even that: He grants me its glorious benefits though I was a lifeless heap of evil on the wrong side of the war. It's as if he conquered the opposite trench, animated one of the adversary's sand bags and awarded it a victor's homecoming.

Yes, all this he did for me. Yet, somehow, I fail to express sufficient joy in this. There are those rare days when I do sense this victory in a very real way, and on those occasions I may wear my allegiance to my good Father on my sleeve. But on most days, I do not sense this and go on with my life as one who does not have this victory to beat his chest about.

So, no, I don't scoff at Giants fans for donning their hats, jackets and new profile photos today. If not now, when?

I only wonder how such a small victory in an inconsequential game could draw such joy and pride from some, when an infinitely greater triumph in the only arena of life that matters could draw so little out of me.

For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? This is he who came by water and blood—Jesus Christ; not by the water only but by the water and the blood. And the Spirit is the one who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. (1 John 5:4-6 ESV)

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 ESV)

YOUR MOVE, CHIEF

2012-01-23T12:29:00.001-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2009, unedited:

I was riding the Purple Line express back home today and realized that I really enjoy getting those quick peeks into the buildings that the train passes in the downtown area.

I like catching glimpses of people running on treadmills, boxing heavy bags, studying for exams, working in their cubicles... I don't know why really. I just like it.

Then I realized that my knowledge of these people was limited to those fleeting seconds that I was allowed to see them. The woman on the treadmill is...a runner. The guy boxing the heavy bag is...a boxer. The people studying in the Kaplan room are...students. The people working in cubicles are...office drones.

But would I ever dare to claim that I knew these people? Absolutely not!

Then why do I do this with God?

Why do I presume to know God, sufficiently, after just...a good sermon on a Sunday, a good time spent reading the Bible and praying, a good retreat or revival...after such short, meager portions?

Our infinite God can't be so easily and quickly known - but our comfort is that he knows us. This is why, I think, Paul paused to clarify his meaning in Galatians 4:9, when he said, "But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles?" (NIV, emphasis added)

He knows us - not in snapshots, but in an unflinching fullness. He sees our best, worst and most mundane moments and still, he loves us.

How can I be so content with such brief glimpses of this God?

In closing, I would like to share this clip (my favorite) from "Good Will Hunting," which, I think, highlights my point. It includes some coarse language, but we're all adults here.

ALONE

2012-01-22T11:51:00.001-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2008, unedited:

"You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created." - C.S. Lewis

Because in this isolated condition, each passing minute feels more measured, deliberate and meaningful as I become familiar with what is approaching.

I cannot help but to bear with me, and I am led to believe that God also cannot help but to bear with me in the same manner, though he is glad to.

Just as I am alone with me, God, unbounded by time and place, is alone with me, every second of my miserable being.

The difference, I am trying to understand, is while I am unhappy to be stuck with myself, God is infinitely happy to have me as his - not because of who I appear to be in my own eyes, but because of who I actually am in his.

The rest of my years will be mostly the same - I will continue to be disappointed with who I am, and he will continue to be pleased with who I am becoming and have already become.

My joy is knowing that his pleasure will eventually meet with my discouragement - and his sentiment will win and overcome mine, and will evenbecome mine.

It will be a delight like none other I have ever known, because it will, for the first time, be absent of me. That joy will finally be one that is perfectly calibrated and wonderfully aimed.

The struggle to embrace this thought allows me to dig further underneath what I see and to hold my head a bit higher as I tolerate me, alone.

"This is not a perfect illustration, of course. But it may give just a glimpse of what I believe to be the truth. God is not hurried along in the Time-stream of this universe any more than an author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel. He has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man in the world." - C.S. Lewis

"They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory." - C.S. Lewis

JOSH GARRELS: 'RISE'

2012-01-02T10:35:00.001-05:00

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://joshgarrels.bandcamp.com/track/rise"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Rise by Josh Garrels&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

I hung my head, for the last time
In surrender and despair
Before I’m dead, I’ll take the last climb
Up the mountain, face my fears
The time has come, to make a choice
Use my voice for the love of every man
My mind's made up, never again
Never again, will I turn round

Though they may surround me like lions
And crush me on all sides
I may fall, but I will rise
Not by my might, or my power, or by the strength of swords
Only through, your love, my lord
All we’ve lost, will be, restored

Take courage sons, for we must go under
The heart of darkness, and set them free
But don’t lose heart when you see the numbers
There’s no measure for, the faith we bring
It’s given us, to overcome
If we run, where the spirit calls us on
The greatest things, have yet to come
With the dawn, we will rise

Though they may surround us like lions
And crush us on all sides
we may fall, but we will rise
Not by my might, or my power, or by the strength of swords
Only through, your love, my lord
All we’ve lost, will be, restored

FINISHED STORIES

2011-12-22T02:22:00.002-05:00

Every now and then, I think of story ideas that seem like the first few threads of a resplendent tapestry. And there have been times when I've actually sat down and either written or typed out the first few lines or paragraphs of these stories. But in the end, I always come up against obstacles that abort these ventures: scarce time, lost momentum or the discovery that what seemed like an interesting story idea was anything but.

It's so damn frustrating, but I often feel that if I had more time, I could eventually overcome these obstacles and knock out at least one story that would absolutely captivate at least one reader on this planet.

I encountered this scenario again tonight and was met with the same cold wall.

But tonight, I was taken a step further:

I wondered what it would be like if I could have eternity to myself. This would give me the "time" to pursue and conclude every single story my fickle mind conjures up. Then I wondered what it would be like if I had eternity plus perfect sensibility, because this would mean that there would be no wasted "time" -- that no story my mind thought of would be fruitless and worthy of eventual abandonment, that every story my mind thought of would be satisfying and worthy of finishing.

The next jump is fairly obvious: I thought of God, whom Peter called "the Author of life" and whom C.S. Lewis referred to as "the author."

God is eternal, unbounded by time, relentless, almighty, good and perfect.

So, I am led to believe (forgive my casual wording):

all story lines he pursues are good, with only satisfying endings in store
he will inexorably pursue every thread he creates, until they all meet each other in himself -- the bigger picture, the deeper beauty
free of "time," he will give every story his undivided attention, so to speak
he is "able" to ensure that all stories brought forth will end well, no matter the plot twists -- in fact, he is "unable" to do otherwise

In a harsh world where so many good things come to naught, where so many precious things are ended too soon, where so many bad things are pursued to dead ends, where our time is so severely driven to secondary things -- in this world, knowing the attributes of my Author is tearfully comforting.

***

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. (John 13:1 ESV)

I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge—even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you—so that you are not lacking in any gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. (1 Corinthians 1:4-9 ESV)

FIT TO BE SEEN

2011-12-15T12:23:00.006-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2006, unedited:

"I have no pleasure in seeing my friends, unless I can believe myself fit to be seen." - Mr. Frank Churchill (in Emma, by Jane Austen)

This line occurs in a conversation between Emma Woodhouse and Mr. Frank Churchill, when the said characters are engaging in a conversation about how Mr. Churchill spent an entire day away in order to get his hair cut.

I think that there is some deeper significance in this one line that I can overanalyze and share with you all.

"Without question, one of the most frustrating things about the Christian life is the apparent contradiction between what God reckons us to be and what we, by experience, know ourselves to be." - Robin Boisvert

That summarizes what is likely every Christian's most arduous and tortuous battle. We know what God deems us to be, and still it is impossible to ignore what we know we are by the acts we carry out, the thoughts we conceive, and the words we utter. Our lowly self-esteem trumps our Lord's undeserving favorable gaze of affection towards us.

But, there are those shining moments of spurious glory where our actions, thoughts, and words somehow find themselves in line with the status we have with our Lord. These are those seasons where we think we can finally deem ourselves to be deserving of God's love and grace, where we believe ourselves "fit to be seen."

And if we are not in one of these seasons? Well, then all pleasure of "seeing" God, of communing with Him, of praying with Him, of serving Him, is gone.

The painful irony and quandary is, to put it gently, irreverent to God.

We place the sight we see in the mirror above His perspective that we read about in the Scriptures.

If we were to take Mr. Frank Churchill's quote and tweak it to fit this example, it would sound something like this:

"I have no pleasure in seeing my God, unless I can believe myself fit to be seen."

or, more specifically...

"I have no pleasure in conversing with, serving, or loving my God unless I can believe myself fit to converse with, serve, or love Him."

The word in this line that carries the most weight is "pleasure." It is not that we just feel unworthy, but that that feeling takes away the "pleasure" in our relationship with God. Furthermore, it is our wayward belief that determines the pleasure (or lack of) we find in our relationship with God.

A paradigm shift is in order.

CONFESSION

2011-12-12T15:59:00.000-05:00

You know what absolutely kills me inside? Knowing that I'll never be the best at a single damn thing in this world.

But you know what keeps me sane? Knowing that I'm fully aware of this.

THANKSGIVING

2011-11-24T10:14:00.001-05:00

‎"We ought to give thanks for all fortune: if it is 'good,' because is it good, if 'bad' because it works in us patience, humility, and the contempt of this world and the hope of our eternal country." - C.S. Lewis

"Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day." - Robert Caspar Lintner

GROWING STRAIGHT UP

2011-11-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2005, unedited:

I was parked at someone's house the other night and saw a young tree (a sapling?) in their yard. I saw that the slender, delicate trunk of the tree was being gently pulled by strings tied to stakes on both the right and left sides. This is obviously done to cause the tree to grow up straight and not crooked.

I got to thinking about this, and realized that when you really think about it with a simple mind, the whole concept behind this is pretty odd. In order to grow a tree straight and tall, you must pull it to the right and left? Of course it makes sense, but it just sounds weird.

I think many times our lives reflect these young trees that are being pulled on both sides. The Gardener surely does this to us, as we are yet young saplings that have a ways to go before we become grand trees. Even the slightest winds in this world will cause us to tilt to one side, but He will not have it so. So, with the strings of hardships, joys, comforts, peace, friends, devastation, heartbreak, and loneliness, and stakes planted firmly in grace, love, and mercy, He pulls us from all sides to ensure that we grow straight up and tall, allowing our roots to creep deeper and grow more firmly.

So, if any of us are experiencing pain and sorrow in our hearts, it is because we are in need of those in order to grow up straight up towards heaven. If any of us are experiencing a time of great happiness and pleasure, it is because we are in need of those in order to grow straight up towards heaven. These things are done to us because our Gardener cannot help but to only allow us to grow straight upwards. He does not desire for us to grow in wayward, tilted spurts that would make for a longer and more delayed path to the sky. The straighter we grow, the faster and more directly we head towards home. We all want to go home as soon as possible, and when the Gardener seems to take us off that straight and narrow path with delays and obstacles, we must be patient and understand that it may not be as it first appears. He may, in fact, be doing exactly what we want and need Him to do.

We may not understand it now, but in the end, when we become like the cedars of Lebanon, when our trunks become thick and strong and our branches reach out in glorious fruition, all to the pleasure of our Gardener, we will understand it fully.

DELUSIONAL RHINO

2011-11-21T21:16:00.001-05:00

"Aw, that's cute...and sad."

That was pretty much what I said in my head when I first saw this picture.

A rhino running his tail off on a treadmill in order to eventually look like a unicorn -- his goal is understandable, his effort is valiant, but it's all in vain. He'll never become a unicorn, no matter how much he runs.

In this illustration I see a simple reflection of us. Though we may be loath to confess it, we spend much of our lives on some kind of treadmill working toward some kind of improved version of ourselves. Most times these endeavors are selfish -- even evil. We try to reshape ourselves in order to fit the constructs of expectations set by those around us or ourselves, for misguided purposes. The end goals may seem admirable, but it's all a poor use of the precious time and energy we're allotted on this earth. It seems to me that most of us are prodigal in these matters, spending inordinate portions of our lives chasing these unattainable or self-indulgent objectives that always end in vanity, destitution and new treadmills.

Sometimes, however, these endeavors are good -- even holy. We desire to become more faithful in certain aspects of our lives; we work hard at calibrating our souls to the moral compass placed in our hearts; we try our best to balance our offenses with sufficient atonement. But even in these things, we often become so focused on ourselves, our narrow visions and our efforts that we lose our way and find ourselves on the same treadmills again and again.

In both cases, we forget how worthless our sweat is.

But if there is comfort to be had here, it's that both of these wayward paths share the same correction: We must come to grips with who we are and accept what we need -- we must stop fooling ourselves. The poster is too modest, the treadmill too small, our starting point too bereft. Our eyes must be fixed higher, our souls must be rooted in what's been done for us and our hearts must embrace the promise of what will be. We are to work harder for loftier goals, yet lean less on what we do on the way there.

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts. But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. - 2 Corinthians 3:15-18 ESV

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure. - 1 John 3:1-3 ESV

O LORD, you will ordain peace for us, for you have indeed done for us all our works. - Isaiah 26:12 ESV

WALK WITH ME

2011-11-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2005, unedited:

It's amazing how five months of jogging for 20 minutes and lifting weights three to five times a week can increase your stamina and endurance! I was bored tonight, so I decided to go out and take a nice jog around the neighborhood. When I last did this way back in September, I got winded after about the first four minutes, but tonight I felt like Forrest Gump...I seriously felt like I could run from here to L.A. with energy to spare. I felt like a running machine! I passed by about four opportunities to take a shorter route home, but I didn't take any of them. It was a glorious night.

Anyhow, I passed by two couples walking with each other on my run. Seeing them was nice, and made me yearn for the day when I might walk side by side with my wife on a warm summer night when we are elderly. As I was taking a shower, I realized the significance of walking with your lover.

When you see a couple jogging together, it's nice to see but nothing special. But when you see a couple, young or old, walking side by side, it's somehow romantic and wonderful to behold, something that you envy. There's just a lot more intimacy when you walk side by side with someone. When you run side by side, you can't really talk with each other, you can't really hold hands, it's hard to keep the exact same pace as the other person, and there's always that subtle competitive tension...it's just impersonal.

But when you walk side by side with someone, you can talk as you please without being short of breath, you can hold hands, step in stride with the other person, and all fear of falling behind or going too fast disappears. It's just so intimate.

I believe that it's the same in our walk with God. I guess our tendency is to run (and in a sense, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9 and Hebrews 12, we must) towards our goal, but because we are yet such foolish and awkward creatures, spiritual infants, when we run ahead of our Lord's will we lose our way and stumble. We encounter many situations and times in our lives when it seems that things happen that cause us to slow down, when bumps rear their ugly forms above the plane...a career path suddenly seems hopeless, a loved one leaves us, friends desert us, financial troubles abound...and I think many times this is the doing of our Lord, who wants to slow us down, pull us back, grasp our hand, and walk side by side with us again.

When we begin to run ahead of our Lord (in a completely metaphorical sense, of course, for who could outrun One who fills the universe, who is always behind and ahead of us at all times to push us and to pull us?) His voice becomes muddled in the wind, we let go of the guiding hand that has been leading us, and our pride begins to whisper to us sweet lies of our self-reliance and we begin to believe that God was only a heavy burden that slowed us down.

What we fail to realize in our slow times is that God wants to walk with us, side by side. He wants intimacy with us, and when we complain and become frustrated because He has slowed us down for no apparent reason, we are blind to the true nature of our situations. Many of our prayers for quick deliverance from our hardships are, in essence, asking for less intimacy, less love, less of Him, not more.

We know this, don't we? When we look back at the hardest and most trying times in our lives, don't we always see times of great intimacy with our Father? It has never been otherwise, and there is no reason to think that will ever change.

So, Lord, I guess I'm not asking for a quick and easy reprieve...I only ask that You would hold my hand tighter and speak wonderful things to me during this time, that You would walk with me through this valley as long as You desire, and that you would draw me ever closer to You forever.

"Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away." - Genesis 5:24

"Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked with God." - Genesis 6:9

"Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." - 1 John 2:6

"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." - 2 John 1:6

PART-TIME MAN OF PRINCIPLE

2011-11-16T21:13:00.001-05:00

"You can't be a part-time man of principle."

HAND REMOVED

2011-11-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2005, unedited:

I came to a red light in front of the Turtle Back Zoo today and I had the delight of seeing a mother crossing the street with her little boy. He couldn't have been more than 2 years old. His hand was in his mother's as he bounded across the street, hopping and taking his tiny running strides as his mother calmly walked beside him. When they came to the other side the mother let go of the child's hand and immediately his spunk and energy seemed to leave him, and he walked calmly forward while his mother followed close behind.

He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

- from "The Screwtape Letters," by C.S. Lewis (written from the point of view of a devil uncle to his devil nephew)

ABSENT INTENTION

2011-11-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

'If you will here stop and ask yourselves why you are not as pious as the primitive Christians were, your own heart will tell you, that it is neither through ignorance nor inability, but purely because you never thoroughly intended it.' - William Law

UNBEARABLE

2011-11-14T19:14:00.001-05:00

God, I find your love absolutely unbearable.

THE INTOLERABLE COMPLIMENT

2011-11-14T08:44:00.001-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2005, slightly edited:

Smile! God Loves You!

I've seen two of these bumper stickers in the past week, and each time I've wondered at what this really means. Yeah, I'm probably making this short and simple phrase unnecessarily complicated...

At first I thought that these were cool stickers to see. I mean, yeah, God does love you, and if anything should make you smile, this should be it! But then I got to thinking what, precisely, it means and what is entailed when God loves me.

And I immediately remembered all the times of pain that I've been through, and the trying times I'm going through right now. Do they give me good reason to smile? Hardly. But when it comes down to it...yeah, they should. God's love, and all love, carries in itself the intrinsic objective to bring the loved one towards a better end...to make them more whole, more lovable, more perfect. In the end I wholly agree with this exhortation to smile at the idea and glorious thought that God loves you...but I think it takes someone who has been through great sorrow and heart rending to truly understand and fully experience this impulse of muscles around our lips.

It's quite a coincidence, but I read something C.S. Lewis had to say on this exact matter, and well, he puts it a whole lot better than I ever could:

We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character. Here again we come up against what I have called the 'intolerable compliment.' Over a sketch made idly to amuse a child, an artist may not take much trouble: he may be content to let it go even though it is not exactly as he meant it to be. But over the great picture of his life -- the work which he loves, though in a different fashion, as intensely as a man loves a woman or a mother a child -- he will take endless trouble -- and would, doubtless, thereby give endless trouble to the picture if it were sentient. One can imagine a sentient picture, after being rubbed and scraped and recommenced for the tenth time, wishing that it were only a thumbnail sketch whose making was over in a minute. In the same way, it is natural for us to wish that God had designed for us a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but then we are wishing not for more love but for less...

When we fall in love with a woman, do we cease to care whether she is clean or dirty, fair or foul? Do we not rather then first begin to care? Does any woman regard it as a sign of love in a man that he neither knows nor cares how she is looking? Love may, indeed, love the beloved when her beauty is lost: but not because it is lost. Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal. Love is more sensitive than hatred itself to every blemish in the beloved; his 'feeling is more soft and sensible than are the tender horns of cockled snails.' Of all powers he forgives most, but he condones least: he is pleased with little, but demands all...

You asked for a loving God: you have one...How this should be, I do not know: it passes reason to explain why any creatures, not to say creatures such as we, should have a value so prodigious in their Creator's eyes.

- C.S. Lewis

(emphasis added)

RUNAWAY BRIDE(S)

2011-11-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2005, slightly edited:

Jennifer Wilbanks.

Don't know the name? Well, if you've been anywhere but under a rock you'll recognize her story.

She's the real-life "runaway bride," the woman who faked her own kidnapping in order to avoid her wedding.

Yeah, people are pissed. She wasted countless hours and dollars that were spent by worried volunteers and police forces who could have spent their time on more worthy and necessary causes.

My first reaction was no different. I couldn't believe what she had done, and it made me angry. What made me even more angry, and confused, was hearing that her husband-to-be still wants to marry her! Is the dude stupid? Is he an idiot? He was just embarrassed in front of an entire nation...he will forever be the man who was such a loser that his fiancee went to such extreme measures to avoid marrying him...to the point of faking her own disappearance. I don't know about you guys, but if my fiancee did that to me I wouldn't take her back so easily...I'd be so embarrassed, so heartbroken, so discouraged, so dishonored, so angry, so bitter...

BAM

I am her.

I was to be married to the most wonderful, beautiful, perfect groom...and for some reason, I ran away. My wickedness drew me away from my Love and towards barrenness, loneliness, and despair. I embarrassed Him...I cannot bear to imagine what the Enemy must have been thinking as he scoffed and mocked Him. I made Him so angry, so heartbroken, so dishonored, that He wad driven to the point of death.

I left Him there on that altar...and it is on that altar that He sacrificed Himself, to show that He was not angry with me, He was not bitter, He forgave my stupidity and waywardness, once and for all.

And so, once again, I run back to the place I left my Husband...I run back to that altar...I run back to that cross, beckoning Him to take my hand in marriage again, vowing to never run away again.

And like always, He says, "I do."

"I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now." - Hosea 2:7

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ." - 2 Corinthians 1:20

REGULAR?

2011-11-10T09:48:00.000-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in 2005, unedited:

My favorite gas station is the Gulf on Northfield Ave. in West Orange, hands down, no questions asked. They have the best pumpers. There's that one young kid who always greets me with a familiar "Hey" and a warm smile, and then there's this guy.

So it's Friday, I'm driving home from work to start the weekend, but I'm low on gas. That darned yellow light is on, yet again, and so I decide to stop by the Gulf on my way home.

I pull up to the pump, and the guy walks over to my car and uncaps my tank.

"Can I have $15 of regular please?" I says.

"Regular? This is Ferrari, man!" he proclaims with a smile.

"What? Are you kidding?" I says with a smile, slightly caught off guard by the unusually funny comment made by a man pumping gas. Then I laughed and he just smiled back.

"Regular? This is Ferrari, man!" I believe these are words that our Lord utters many times, though in more eloquent, divine, and true fashion.

We all pull up to the spiritual pump at least once a day (I hope), asking God to fill us up again. But what do we ask for? It seems that all to often we ask for things that may be good, but not the best. We ask for mushy love in the form of an imperfect person, when we have full love in the form of a perfect Lord and Savior knocking on our door. We ask for fleeting money that disappears just as water or sand does in our hands, when we have complete and eternal wealth and treasures that can never fade or flee awaiting our ever nearing homecoming. We unknowingly ask for immaturity and distance from God when we plead for pain, sorrow, and struggle to just be taken away, when we have maturity, fulness in character, and more intimate nearness to God waiting for us at the end of this short valley.

Regular? We're spiritual Ferraris, man!

Our bodies, hearts, and souls are no Kias, Hondas, or even Bentleys...they're so much better than that, and so, they deserve better than regular.

And yes, premium gas is quite expensive, but the currency we use is that of mercy and grace, and that is given to us in infinite measure by our Lord Jesus Christ.

Let's stop settling for regular, when premium, when supreme, when the best is offered to us freely each and every moment of our lives. It is ours for the taking.

Thanks Mr. Gas Pumper...I will never get regular again.

"We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade, the presence of God. The world is crowded with Him. He walks everywhere incognito. And the incognito is not always easy to penetrate. The real labor is to remember to attend. In fact to come awake. Still more to remain awake." - C.S. Lewis

"The greatest enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but good choices which are not quite good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best." - Oswald Chambers

SONNET

2011-11-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

On hearing the Dies Irae sung in the Sistine Chapel:

Nay, Lord, not thus! white lilies in the spring,
Sad olive-groves, or silver-breasted dove,
Teach me more clearly of Thy life and love
Than terrors of red flame and thundering.
The hillside vines dear memories of Thee bring:
A bird at evening flying to its nest
Tells me of One who had no place of rest:
I think it is of Thee the sparrows sing.
Come rather on some autumn afternoon,
When red and brown are burnished on the leaves,
And the fields echo to the gleaner's song,
Come when the splendid fulness of the moon
Looks down upon the rows of golden sheaves,
And reap Thy harvest: we have waited long.

- Oscar Wilde

TWO

2011-11-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

Here dies another day
During which I have had eyes, ears, hands
And the great world round me;
And with tomorrow begins another.
Why am I allowed two?

- G.K. Chesterton

LOVE

2011-11-07T14:05:00.000-05:00

"God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them. He creates the universe, already foreseeing - or should we say 'seeing'? there are no tenses in God - the buzzing cloud of flies about the cross, the flayed back pressed against the uneven stake, the nails driven through the mesial nerves, the repeated incipient suffocation as the body droops, the repeated torture of back and arms as it is time after time, for breath's sake, hitched up. If I may dare the biological image, God is a 'host' who deliberately creates His own parasites; causes us to be that we may exploit and 'take advantage of' Him. Herein is love. This is the diagram of Love Himself, the inventor of all loves." - C.S. Lewis

BEHIND YOUR BACK

2011-11-07T12:33:00.002-05:00

Here's something I wrote back in early 2005, unedited:

Isaiah 38:17

"Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back." (NIV)

Can anguish be beneficial? I think everyone can agree that yes, many times anguish does bring about good in the end. The King James Version translates this as: "Behold, for peace I had great bitterness". For peace? How can anguish and/or bitterness lead to peace?

King Hezekiah is writing this after a deadly illness he had, which the Lord had healed him from, granting him an extra fifteen years to live. Not only this, but God also promised to deliver Hezekiah and Israel from the hands of Assyria and vowed to defend the city.

Hezekiah's only hope to live during this illness was God. He cried out to the Lord and the Lord responded by healing him. Clearly, this was a humbling experience for him, to which he says in verse 15, "But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul."

It's strangely wonderful to be humbled by the Lord through distressing and harsh circumstances. They are quick and heavy reminders that we are powerless and futile when it comes to being masters of our own lives. In the end, regardless of how powerful you are, God is the one who can destroy or save you. And I think it is this very concept that Hezekiah realized on his death bed, and that caused him to say that it was for his benefit, for his peace, that he suffered such anguish and bitterness. For now he knows that God and God alone is the Almighty One who holds his life in his hands, and seeing how gracious and merciful he was in this one matter, Hezekiah had all the reason in the world to find peace, living in God's wonderful promise.

What caught my eye in this verse was the second half. It was not out of mockery, pity, or self-seeking pride that God saved Hezekiah from the grips of death, but out of love. When you consider carefully who Hezekiah was in relation to God (i.e. nothing) this is quite a big idea.

Oh, oh, oh, but did you catch it? Did you?

"you have put all my sins behind your back."

Once again, the Old Testament gives us a foreshadowing of what is yet to come.

In His love, the Lord kept Hezekiah from destruction, and in so doing was required to do something about all of his sins. Could he just overlook them? Could he just let them pass? Absolutely not. God's justice and wrath will not allow it. It's in His very character, His uncompromising essence. Something must be done about Hezekiah's sins...but what?

The Lord puts them behind Him.

When someone wrongs us, especially someone who is dear to us, what is the only way we can forgive them and move on? By "putting it behind you", by leaving it in the past, by turning your back and pardoning that one instance of hurt and harm. God puts Hezekiah's sins behind Him...both in this figurative and also in a very literal sense.

Jesus Christ bore a heavy cross that was laden with all of our sins. Absolutely all of them...small or great, open or hidden, known or unknown, they are all put on that cross. And what does Jesus do with that cross?

He puts it behind His back.

He puts all our sins behind His back.

In that one act of love, justice, and grace, God shows us that our sins are forgiven, that He no longer sees them, because His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, has cast them all behind His back.

The next time you look at a picture or movie depicting Christ's death on that cross, or the next time you think about it and picture it in your head, think about this as you see Jesus hanging on that tree, with His arms opened to you, and notice the fullness and significance of the fact that He is not facing the cross He is nailed to.

And it was all in His love...

And just like Hezekiah, we can proclaim that our lives lived in anguish and bitterness before we met Christ were for our benefit, for our peace, because we now live in the promise of the very God who has saved us from the pit of destruction. The contrast between our former and our present states is immeasurable and should invoke humility and eternal praise.

Praise be to the One who put all of our sins behind Him.
Amen.

TRUTH NOW, LAZARUS

2011-11-03T16:55:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm the closest to mental, emotional and spiritual "clarity" than I've been in a while, which isn't saying much, but I suppose it's a start. I've been reading the minor prophets lately, which is mostly dire, dark stuff, but strayed into the Psalms for a bit last night and was struck by Psalm 15:

    O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent?
        Who shall dwell on your holy hill?
    He who walks blamelessly and does what is right
        and speaks truth in his heart;
    who does not slander with his tongue
        and does no evil to his neighbor,
        nor takes up a reproach against his friend;
    in whose eyes a vile person is despised,
        but who honors those who fear the LORD;
    who swears to his own hurt and does not change;
    who does not put out his money at interest
        and does not take a bribe against the innocent.
    He who does these things shall never be moved.

I bolded the line that really stood out to me: "...speaks truth in his heart."

Through self-reflection and the exhortations of those God has placed around me, I've realized how much falsehood I've allowed to dwell in and sink into me. It's not that I've consciously embraced it, but I have done little to consciously combat it. This will change, with God's help. I'm going to immerse myself more in the Bible and prayer to do this.

Also, during my lunch break this afternoon, I realized how defeated I have been lately. While I accept and even embrace the notion that there are times when God demands silence and godly sorrow from us, our victory in Christ is never to be forgotten or set aside. I struggle with keeping that balance, but I'm sick of being so bogged down by fleeting burdens; I'm sick of slouching my shoulders as I walk beside the King, as His prince; I'm sick of living as if it were still those three days between the death and resurrection.

My troubles are temporary, but my victory is eternal. My faults are real, but my standing is assured. There is sorrow for me to taste, but my Savior has tasted my death -- and He's risen, and I with him.

As I prayed last night, I remembered Lazarus and our cell group's recent Bible study on John 11. For maybe the first time, I shifted my perspective and thought of what Lazarus must've seen as he rose from that slab of stone and walked, still dressed in linen, toward the tomb's bright opening. I wondered how he must've felt when he saw -- as he maybe expected to -- the face of none other than Jesus before him as the cloth was removed from his eyes.

I prayed that I would be Lazarus, that I would be made alive again, that the cloth would be removed from my eyes so that I might see my Love again.

I need God's help, of course. Your prayers would be appreciated as well.

NEW EYES, NEW WORDS

2011-10-30T15:18:00.001-04:00

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (Hebrews 4:12-13 ESV)

I'm never fully satisfied with the outcomes of my eye exams because of the parts where the doctor asks me to read the letters and numbers from the chart on the wall. Regardless of whether they ask me to cover one eye at a time or try out different combinations of lenses to find the true quality of my eyesight, the characters remain the same.

So when they ask me to read a line on that chart with one combination of lenses formed in that Phoroptor (the contraption they place against my face), then ask me to read the same lifeless line again with another combination of lenses, it's tempting to recite the string of letters and numbers from memory rather than by what I actually see. The doctor's words of affirmation each time don't help.

How can I be satisfied with such a crude test for something as important as my eyesight?

This is why I'm glad God's Word is alive -- always the same yet always different.

I am still amazed at how much I learn from reading the same passages of the Bible over and over and over again. The words remain the same, yet their meaning and significance are always different -- clearer, sharper, deeper.

Among the many things the Word of God is to me, it's a litmus test. Each time I read its pages, I discover the quality of my mind, heart and soul. I often don't like its results, but I'm glad for them.

Those words are lenses through which I learn how well I see God, myself, others around me, this world, my life -- everything.

Though I sometimes begrudge reading "the same" words over and over and over again, childishly believing that there is no more to glean from them, I am never left the same after reading them.

New joys are found.
New sins are in need of repentance.
New convictions wound me.
New comforts heal me.
New chains are found.
New keys unlock new freedoms.
New tears are shed.
New eyes are grown.

When our color dies,
We will bury the ashes of time,
And we will earn new eyes.

A LIVE BODY

2011-10-27T09:12:00.003-04:00

"A live body is not one that never gets hurt, but one that can to some extent repair itself. In the same way a Christian is not a man who never goes wrong, hut a man who is enabled to repent and pick himself up and begin over again after each stumble -- because the Christ-life is inside him, repairing him all the time, enabling him to repeat (in some degree) the kind of voluntary death which Christ Himself carried out." - C.S. Lewis

MEN'S BATHROOM CONSPIRACY

2011-10-24T16:38:00.000-04:00

Here's something I wrote back in late 2004, unedited:

Something funny happened in the men's bathroom today.

So I walked in to take a #2, and all four stalls were empty, so I decided to occupy the first stall. But I guess the first one is the most popular cos the toilet paper was out. I'm glad I noticed before I sat down and unloaded, or else I would've been in a little predicament. I moved down to the third stall (the fourth one is for handicapped people, and no one likes sitting in the second one...cos if the first and third get occupied, you're taking a dump in between two other mysterious people, and that is just not comfortable at all) and proceeded to feed the toilet.

About two minutes later, I hear someone walk in and go into the first stall. I listened carefully to hear whether or not he would realize that there was no more toilet paper and move to another stall (which I hoped he would not do, because he probably would have moved next to me in the second stall, which would not have made for much comfort at all). But he didn't. I heard him unzip, sit down, and then proceed to splish splash away to his intestinal delight.

Needless to say, I almost burst into laughter. But I held it in.

After I washed my hands and was walking out, I almost laughed again, but held it in. I could just picture the guy realizing his predicament about halfway through his situation, and then think to himself, "Oh crap." Hahaha, I'm giggling now just thinking about it. And I pictured him waiting until I had left so he could waddle over to another stall, hoping that no one would walk in on him. Hahaha. And I also thought about taking all the other toilet paper in the bathroom, but never really considered doing it. I mean, that's just plain wrong...but it would have been ridiculously funny.

That was quite possibly the highlight of my workday. It was splendid.

Speaking of the men's bathroom...

I always wondered why they were made to be so uncomfortable. I mean, why can't they make stalls that didn't have those gaps in between the doors and separators? Why couldn't they create a simple red/green signal (something like they do on airplanes) on the stall doors so people wouldn't have to peek into the actual stall to see if it is occupied or not? Why don't the bottoms of the stalls reach the ground, leaving those awkward spaces so that you can see the man next to you tapping his foot as he's unleashing his intestinal wrath? Why are the urinals made in such a way as to allow any weirdo peeing next to you to just peek over and see your most private of privates? WHY?

I think I know why.

If public bathrooms (especially in offices) were made to be comfortable, what would stop anyone from wasting time in there? I mean, sometimes I'll "rest my eyes" after taking a dump because I feel secure and peaceful sitting in the stall, but when other people enter the bathroom I just can't stand the fact that I'm prone to being looked at between those dastardly gaps and so I more times than not leave as quickly as possible. If the bathroom were built to be comfortable and according to how I would want it (with no gaps, a red/green vacancy signal on each stall door, floor to ceiling coverage, disposable noseplugs in each stall, headphones with classical music in each stall with your selection of newspaper, and booths around the urinals), I'm sure my productivity would plummet. (Wait, no, that's impossible, because right now my productivity is close to zero already. This is besides the point.)

My point is, the man who designed what we now know as public bathrooms for men was an astute fellow, who had a method to his madness. Though I do not appreciate it, I respect him for being so ingenious.

And I also believe this is why men are more productive in the workplace than women, because women's bathrooms always have those plush couches and loveseats. I mean, c'mon, seriously, you're telling me they don't waste valuable company time gossiping and doing their makeup while sitting prim and pretty on those lovely seats? (I'm totally kidding.)

Alas, and here we have yet another picture (albeit flawed, lacking, and very crude) of something that we know from life's experiences; something C.S. Lewis talked about, and something Paul talked about.

Resting places on this earth are not meant to be places where we settle for good. They are meant for some purpose, just as a bathroom is meant for the release of your bodily waste. And once they have fulfilled their purposes, it is time to move on, to go forth and carry on the work that lies outside.

You can't sit in the steamy warmth and restful peace of the morning shower all day. There is life to be lived just outside the bathroom door.

You can't sit on the toilet seat all day. There is work to be done just outside the door.

You can't just lie down forever in the riches of a restful time that has been graciously bestowed unto you. There is a vast field that has yet to be harvested just outside the door.

"The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bathe or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home." - C.S. Lewis

"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before." - Philippians 3:13

A CURSE AND A BLESSING

2011-10-19T14:07:00.001-04:00

Here's something I wrote back in early 2004, unedited:

I have finally finished reading the entire Bible!!!

Of course, it comes a bit late... I vowed to finish it this past summer, haha. Better late than never, right? I've read the NT over a few times, but I finally finished the entire OT just a few minutes ago. But, yeah...it feels good to know that I've finished the Bible. I consider it a great blessing to have been given the opportunity for my eyes to behold every word of God in the Bible...though I definitely cannot claim to have retained or even learned from the majority of it. But, the more and more I read it...the more and more I understand just how many "layers" there are, just how much there is to discover. It seems like every time I read a passage over again, I see something new. It's awesome... I can't wait to see what new things I learn as I read it all over again.

One thing that caught my attention was how the Old Testament ends. "He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse." (Malachi 4:6) Now...maybe it's just me, but I thought that that was a horribly pessimistic and condeming way to end the OT. I mean, of course, God didn't intend the OT to be just a "good story" to read with a fairy tale ending...but I mean, c'mon...how you gonna end it with a curse?! So, in my curiosity, I looked up this verse in a commentary online (by Matthew Henry), and it pointed something out that I found to be quite enlightening.

Yes, the Old Testament ends with a curse, but it does so that we may joyfully welcome the New Testament's arrival, which marks Christ's arrival, for He comes not with a curse, but with a great blessing. And isn't it wonderful, that though the OT ends with a curse, the NT ends with a beautiful blessing: "The grace of our Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen." (Rev. 22:21) And, as Matthew Henry puts it, "with it let us arm ourselves, or rather let God arm us, against this curse."

Hallelujah, Amen.

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall." - Malachi 4:2

THE PLAY

2011-10-18T13:50:00.000-04:00

Here's something I wrote back in late 2003, unedited:

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame thewise" - 1 Co. 1:27

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of whatwe do not see...And without faith it is impossible to please God, becauseanyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards thosewho earnestly seek him." - Hebrews 11:1, 6

We live in a fallen world. I see it everyday...dying plants,rust growing on metal beams, fading paint on the streets, roadkill, fadedstreet signs, potholes, car accidents, traffic jams, adsusing sex appeal, second-hand smoke, countless scandals in thebusiness world, that homeless girl with her dog on the corner, those gimpypigeons in the Port Authority with missing toes, that handicapped guy who ridesthe same bus I do each morning, those days when my boxers never seem to beon right, lust, pride, hate, murder, suicide...the list goes on...

In view of all that, it's expected that faith is difficult to have,and even harder to keep. It's so hard to see the point in it all. The immediate rewards of faith, if any, seem so few...

But this morning, I believe God spoke to me through BrendanFraser. Yes, the guy in The Mummy movies. He was beinginterviewed by Al Roker on the Today Show about the new Looney Toons movie he'sappearing in. They talked about how in this movie, and in a lot of hisother movies, he's had to deal with acting with imaginary characters. Hehad to pretend that they were there while filming, and then in the productionroom, they add them in by using computers, and you can see the finishedproduct in the final cut of the movie, and it all turns out"well." He said, "You just have to believe that they'rethere."

He had faith in those imaginary characters...he had faiththat they would appear in the actual movie, and that all those seeminglyfoolish hours acting by himself would be rewarded when those charactersare finally seen on the screen. If Brendan Fraser could have faith in that,how much more are we to have faith in our lives?

Of course, in this present life, here on this fallen earth, our actsof faith and the way our faith seems to mold who we are seem utterly foolish tothe world. Why waste your time at church? Why stay away from gettingdrunk and smoking? Why should you stop cursing? Why do you pray before you eat?Why embarass yourself in front of everyone? All the small thingsthat our faith manifests itself in are mere pretending, child'splay, to the eyes of the world. To them, and maybe sometimes toourselves, it seems as if we are living in a way that is so foolish allbecause of our faith...it seems as if we are acting out scenes all byourselves, with a phantom, false hope of anything good resulting from it. It's so hard for us to see and understand that the Director will take care ofit all.

This movie (or as Mr. Lewis likes to call it,this "play") we are acting in will eventually be madebeautiful. It seems as if we are acting it out by ourselves for now, butwe can surely trust that our Co-Star (or, in reality, theStar) who is not tangibly here now, will show Himself in theend. All those times you gave up your seat for an elderly person, allthose times you gave that homeless girl a dollar, all those times you refrainedfrom yelling at your mom, all those times you spent that hour to talk with afriend in need when you could have been studying for that big examtomorrow...in the end, they will be made complete, fulfilled, and it willno longer be foolishness.

So let us act with confidence here on earth, knowing full well thatour present "foolishness" will be seen as unspeakable beauty anddivine wisdom when this movie is finally finished for all the world to see,when the true Star will finally be revealed in full, undeniable glory. Oh,what an ending this movie will have...

Ah, the echoes of redemption...of the Gospel...of God...everywherearound us. :)

A CALL TO ARMS

2011-10-17T16:58:00.002-04:00

Here's something I wrote back in late 2004, unedited:

“Doubt is a luxury we can’t afford right now, sweetie.”

– Elastigirl(Helen Parr) to her daughter Violet in TheIncredibles

Allowme the chance to propose to you my theory of “Accelerated Backwardness.” I’m sure that despite the awkward name, thistheory is very familiar to all of you. It seems to me that almost everything on this earth takes much less timeto undo or do in reverse than it does to make it in the first place. Here are a few examples:

Climbing a hill or mountain takes longer than it does coming down. Now, of course, gravity may have a part in this, but regardless, it supports this point.
Oftentimes it takes much longer to find a place than it does to find your way home from it.
It takes nine months to create life, and less than nine-tenths of a second to destroy it.
An author can take a lifetime creating his work, and it can take an everyday reader a month to read through it all.
A large tree may have taken lifetimes to grow to its current size, but all it takes is a few pieces of heavy equipment and a few minutes to cut it down.
A bottle of fine wine may ferment for years on end, but all it takes is a few minutes for a drinker or two for it to be gone.
It can take you a substantial amount of hours (and for those more diligent, days) to cram/study for a huge and important exam that only lasts for an hour or two.
A Thanksgiving feast may take endless hours, maybe even days to produce, but all it takes is an hour for a family to devour it all.

You all knowwhat I’m talking about now, don’t you? It’s one of those overlooked facts of life on earth, and we are allfamiliar with it.

But this is nota scribble about some true but seemingly insignificant fact of life. This is about our individual lives in Christ. We are all at war with an enemy that is fartoo adept and shrewd to be taken lightly, yet many if not all of us appear tobe soldiers fighting against a puppy. This is not meant to be. Dare Isay it, but I see in all of us, myself most of all, a lack of urgency that couldlead to our accelerated backward downfall.

“A little sleep,a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest – and poverty will comeon your like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” (Proverbs 6:10-11) Many of us take this as some biblicalfinancial advice, an adage to live by. We take it to mean that we must be diligent or else we may be in dangerof becoming poor. But I don’t think thatthe Creator of all things, our God and Father would place this in His very ownWord just to make sure that we don’t fall into fiscal distress.

Dear brothers,this is a warning not to be taken in light of our bank accounts, but in lightof this war that we are all in. Povertyand Scarcity are names for our enemy, who will surely bring about both of thesein our spiritual lives if we are not careful.

Take some time withme now to reflect. Think about all ofyour commitments, promises, and vows that you have made to yourself or to God,or to anyone else.

Go ahead. Do it.

Now, I’m surethat most of these promises were inherently good. They were oaths to better ourselves or asituation in some way, by forsaking a bad habit, focusing on a part of ourcharacter that has been lacking, or taking action against a harmful situation. And if you are anything like me, as you thinkabout these countless pledges, you come to realize that the vast majority ofthem were made in vain and with dishonest, unwise, and impulsive lips andhearts.

Now take sometime with me to imagine. What if we allfollowed through on each and every one of those commitments we made? I don’t know about you, but I envision achurch filled with more of Christ’s love and emptied of much bitterness andimmaturity. I also envision myself as amore complete, whole, peaceful, joyful, and loving man of God. Now, let’s imagine that all Christians aroundthe entire globe followed through on their commitments? I can’t fully comprehend that, but I can’thelp but to picture something that is all too near to heaven.

The point isthis: With each and every moment we remain idle, lying in the mire of our ownsin and disappointment, our enemy is closer to reaching his dastardly goal,which is to undermine and ruin the relationship with our Father that has beenthus far been so beautifully and wonderfully wrought. Though it may have taken years upon years forGod to soften your heart and mind, allowing you to reach the maturity you havebeen granted today, do not doubt for a second that all it takes is a few days,hours, or moments of doubt, self-pity, and unfaithfulness for it all to be torndown to rubble.

As Elastigirl sowisely puts it, doubt is definitely not a luxury we can afford right now. Do not lie ignorantly secure in thinking thatyour past has already secured your future. A life as God’s child is not free from the duties and responsibilitiesof a soldier at war. It is our callingto take each and every moment on the attack against our enemy, to take backbridges that have been taken from us and to claim them in our King’s name onceagain.

Let’s stoputtering empty promises and let’s stop imagining. It is time to start to create realities withthe commitments of our mouths and hearts, while never doubting, even for asecond, that He will be faithful in all He does in our lives. For too long we have waded in the riches ofour ignorance, spending lavishly on doubts of all kinds, but it is time that wetake up our weapons and go on the offensive. It is time to take back that all-important bridge that joins our desiresand our actions.

Glory, not blame

2011-10-05T21:31:00.003-04:00

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:1-3 ESV)

There was a loud, inconsiderate, irreverent young man seated two rows ahead of me on the train home yesterday. He was loudly talking and cackling with a friend on his cellphone for the first 15 minutes of the ride, as if he were blind to everyone around him. Then the elderly man seated in front of the young man turned around and kindly asked him to be quieter. The young man on the phone verbally brushed the elderly man off and told his friend what had just happened. He then proceeded to repeatedly call the man in front of him "crazy."

This went on for a few more minutes before the middle-aged man seated behind him firmly asked the young man to be quiet, that the train was usually kept quiet out of respect for others and that he was trying to take a nap because he was "tired as hell."

The young man scoffed quietly but continued his conversation in a hushed voice.

During this whole ordeal I couldn't help but to shake my head in disappointment.

"Whose fault is this? Who failed him? His parents must've done a poor job teaching him what it means to be courteous and respectful of those around you. Maybe his teachers didn't do a sufficient job of disciplining him. Maybe his friends abet this behavior."

These were the kind of thoughts treading through my mind.

After reading the three verses posted atop this post, I realized just how quick I am to vindictively assess blame, and how slow I am to see opportunities for glory, mercy and grace. It's so easy to ask why darkness is happening -- more specifically, why it's happening to me -- but so difficult to look beyond that to wonder about what that darkness is meant to bring about.

Is it such a mind-blowing thing to consider that God allows for "blindness" -- hardships, troubles and heartbreak -- in order that he might display his power in it?

No, for we know that our good Father took the darkest blindness and worked out a way to salvation for us. So we can truly say, with full assurance, that it was not we who sinned, nor our parents, nor Adam himself, but rather Jesus, who became sin for us.

I hope the works of God are displayed in that rude young man, as they were in me.

The Lord's Love for Israel

2011-09-08T12:01:00.000-04:00

I was reading the lyrics to a song this morning and the bridge really captured me:

It's true that you could snap my neck
I trust you'll save my life instead
'Cause our love is a loyalty sworn
If we hold to our hope

Then I know we can weather the storm
Whatever they say, come what may

Then I began reading Hosea 11, a chapter with the heading "The Lord's Love for Israel." (Please read the chapter if you have a minute.)

The chapter begins as follows, in verses 1-2:

    When Israel was a child, I loved him,
        and out of Egypt I called my son.
    The more they were called,
        the more they went away;
    they kept sacrificing to the Baals
        and burning offerings to idols.

Then come verses 8-9:

    How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
        How can I hand you over, O Israel?
    How can I make you like Admah?
        How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
    My heart recoils within me;
        my compassion grows warm and tender.
    I will not execute my burning anger;
        I will not again destroy Ephraim;
    for I am God and not a man,
        the Holy One in your midst,
        and I will not come in wrath.

Here's what the study Bible notes say:

"Hos. 11:8 How can I give you up? In highly anthropomorphic terms, the Lord pours out his irrepressible love; Isa. 49:15 and Jer. 31:20 express the same sentiment. The relationship between God and his chosen must not be viewed as a formality. These emotional outpourings demonstrate that the Lord is a person, filled with compassion—unlike the lifeless Baals. His affection weighs heavier than Israel’s ingratitude, and he cannot bring himself to renounce his people, even though they renounce him. How can I make you like Admah … like Zeboiim? These two cities were totally destroyed (see Deut. 29:23; also Gen. 14:2, 8). The love that the Lord has for his children restrains him from obliterating them. He will preserve Israel through a remnant (cf. Rom. 11:5)."

The back of my neck tingled, my throat tightened, my eyeballs got damp and I was once again reminded of how stubborn God is about withholding the wrath I deserve and giving me the love I don't. God's love for us overwhelms all we do to escape it.

The Carousel

2011-08-02T08:47:00.000-04:00

Maleldil

2011-06-25T21:38:00.003-04:00

"Do you place yourself in the obedience," said the Director, "in obedience to Maleldil?"

"Sir," said Jane, "I know nothing of Maleldil. But I place myself in obedience to you."

"It is enough for the present," said the Director. "This is the courtesy of Deep Heaven: that when you mean well, He always takes you to have meant better than you knew. It will not be enough for always. He is very jealous. He will have you for no one but Himself in the end. But for tonight, it is enough."

Daniel 9:7-11

2011-06-23T22:01:00.000-04:00

Funny how things worked out...

To you, O Lord, belongs righteousness, but to us open shame, as at this day, to the men of Judah, to the inhabitants of Jerusalem, and to all Israel, those who are near and those who are far away, in all the lands to which you have driven them, because of the treachery that they have committed against you. To us, O LORD, belongs open shame, to our kings, to our princes, and to our fathers, because we have sinned against you. To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against him and have not obeyed the voice of the LORD our God by walking in his laws, which he set before us by his servants the prophets. All Israel has transgressed your law and turned aside, refusing to obey your voice. And the curse and oath that are written in the Law of Moses the servant of God have been poured out upon us, because we have sinned against him.

(Daniel 9:7-11 ESV)

Sleeping At Last

2011-06-06T22:14:00.002-04:00

If you're not listening to Sleeping At Last, you're a dummy.

God, may these good intentions / be the outline of so much more / when i breathe, from now on / i'll mean it more than i ever did before

The Gospel

2011-05-13T21:42:00.002-04:00

I think I love hearing the Gospel more than I love the Gospel.

This frightens me.

Thankful

2011-04-28T15:24:00.003-04:00

A few minutes ago, I felt a glimmer of bright, genuine thanks for all that I have in this life.

Why it won't stick, I don't know.

Wooden pews and floors respond

2011-02-14T20:44:00.003-05:00

You pity me.

But know this:

Every time I creak because I'm being stepped on,

Every time I sag because I'm being sat on,

I'm doing more good

Than you ever will.

Happy dog

2011-01-22T20:37:00.006-05:00

About two weeks ago I was riding in a jam-packed light-rail train during rush hour on the way home and overheard two ladies talking about a variety of topics. Near the end of the ride, I heard one lady talk about a family member's dog and how it panicked whenever it was let free in the backyard:

"The only way the dog was happy was when he was tied to something."

Familiar tongue

2011-01-09T11:59:00.001-05:00

I recently had the opportunity to spend a handful of days traveling through Europe -- London, Rome and Paris. It was all kinds of wonderful, but one thing I'll share here is how pleasant it was to hear English after going days and days in lands where unfamiliar tongues prevailed. It was refreshing, relieving and comforting.

These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city. - Hebrews 11:13-16

I am reminded that I am a sojourner on this earth, and that I am headed to a land whose tongue will make the language I speak and write with approximate fluency here seem strange and awkward.

That better country will have a tongue that will resonate with me in a way that no good book, quote or lyric will ever be able to do here. A single syllable will unravel the heavy, convoluted mess of ineffable emotions I've been hauling in my heart for so many years, to reveal a sublime tapestry of brilliance and understanding. I will immediately realize that I am truly known and, indeed, have always been known by the love I've been aching for my whole life. My heart will melt with concurrent waves of sorrow and joy until all that's left is throbbing worship.

When I hear those first words of welcome, I'll know that I'm finally home.

2011-01-05T21:57:00.001-05:00

I have a left-handed heart

Christmas, darker

2010-12-23T08:53:00.015-05:00

God came down to us in the humble form of a baby, in less than ideal circumstances. He did this because he loved his people and wanted to be among them, to eventually save them. His birth as baby Jesus is, therefore, a grand occasion to celebrate.

This is good, but it's not complete. It's like starting a good book at chapter three.

The pulsing, broken heart of the matter is that all this was necessary because God hated having a long-distance relationship with us -- and no, not physically. We drew away from him, hurling curses at God and damnation upon ourselves along the way.

So, if I may be so bold as to speak plainly and, possibly, incorrectly, God's descent into our world in human form was fueled not just by love, but hate -- for that damning distance we stubbornly set our hearts, minds, bodies and souls to augment.

The three wise men showed one way to respond: worship. King Herod showed another: fear.

Herod was right to fear the birth of Jesus. That event is, after all, a direct strike at the heart of all who are powerful and haughty. Tucked away in that manger was final judgment on all our transgressions, an unfiltered revelation of just how dire our situation was, the tearing down of the veil we chose to hid behind. In that baby's presence we were struck down to nothing.

"For the great and powerful of this world, there are only two places in which their courage fails them, of which they are afraid deep down in their souls, from which they shy away. These are the manger and the cross of Jesus Christ. No powerful person dares to approach the manger, and this even includes King Herod. For this is where thrones shake, the mighty fall, the prominent perish, because God is with the lowly. Here the rich come to nothing, because God is with the poor and hungry, but the rich and satisfied he sends away empty. Before Mary, the maid, before the manger of Christ, before God in lowliness, the powerful come to naught; they have no right, no hope; they are judged." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Herod's fear-driven response was to order the murder of "all the male children in Bethlehem and in all that region who were two years old or under" (Matt. 2:16, ESV).

I'm glad we have a God who is worth killing.

"The coming of God is truly not only a joyous message, but is, first, frightful news for anyone who has a conscience. And only when we have felt the frightfulness of the matter can we know the incomparable favor. God comes in the midst of evil, in the midst of death, and judges the evil in us and in the world. And in judging it, he loves us, he purifies us, he sanctifies us, he comes to us with his grace and love. He makes us happy as only children can be happy." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Voices and hands

2010-09-12T11:55:00.004-04:00

Two things:

1) I don't like it when people use the words "the world tells us" as the be-all, end-all contrast to what God tells us. I deem this to be a sloppy, misleading and malignant phrase that is akin to attributing every sin to "the devil made me do it." Are we bombarded with messages that compel us to the wrong end of the spectrum? Absolutely. But to stop there and say the sources of those messages "tell us" to want, do and think anything is superficial at best and downright irresponsible at worst. What's behind those messages? Yes, money in most cases, but what else? What is that constantly buzzing irritation inside all of us? And to stop at this point and ignore our part in this receiving of notions, along with why we are drawn to what so-and-so tells us, misses the bigger picture entirely. It fails to dig out the wretched corpse inside of each of us that really does the whispering. It also leads the listener to believe that these desires are spoken into us, which is a dangerous notion to instill in any mind. Maybe I'm being too captious here, but this is a point I wanted to make. My heart and mind scream "foul!" whenever I hear that lousy phrase.

2) I had the opportunity to just sit and watch outside of a mall entrance last weekend. It was beautiful outside, the air was crisp and the bench was open.

During these several minutes, I had the chance to see parents walk into the mall with their children -- children of various ages, from toddlers to teens. What struck me most deeply was how the majority of the little children held their parents' hands, without qualms, and how most of the older children walked into the mall with their hands all to themselves. There were one or two older children who walked into the mall with their hands clasped with their mother, and part of me immediately thought: "How embarrassing."

Then I grew sad because I remember how I used to cling to my mother when I was young, and how that notion seems so beneath me now that I'm older and more mature. It made me sad because part of me wishes that I could be dependent like that again, and because I wondered if the absence of that kind of dependence made my parents sad.

After that pang of sorrow, I began to steadily traverse the downward staircase of my memory as I remembered how I used to be so dependent on God, almost naively so. I remember how much I used to cling to his every word, how "shame" was never a word that crept into my mind as I read the Bible and prayed in my school cafeteria, how I used to love him without maturity to get in the way -- and I wondered if God missed that (though I'm not sure I can rightly attribute that sentiment to him).

I want to trace my steps back and see when I stopped holding his hand.

The last card

2010-09-04T10:33:00.001-04:00

"As long as what you are afraid of is something evil, you may still hope that the good may come to your rescue. But suppose you struggle through to the good and find that it also is dreadful? How if food itself turns out to be the very thing you can't eat, and home the very place you can't live, and your very comforter the person who makes you uncomfortable? Then, indeed, there is no rescue possible: the last card has been played." - from 'Perelandra' by C.S. Lewis

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Naive, by Sleeping At Last

2010-08-30T23:08:00.002-04:00

God knows that i've been naive

but i think it makes him proud of me.

now it's so hard to separate

my disappointments from his name.

Untitled

2010-08-16T20:16:00.001-04:00

and in my best behavior

i am really just like him

look beneath the floorboards

for the secrets i have hid

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Sleeping At Last - 'All This to Say' covered by Mark Beasley

2010-08-05T21:14:00.001-04:00

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Entitled

2010-07-26T23:11:00.001-04:00

The best thing about difficult times is that they tease out the very worst things in you -- the things you'd otherwise never be privy to. Today, the hidden beast that was aroused was Entitlement.

What's funny (if that's the word) to think about is that while we're on this earth and can lay claim to absolutely nothing, we feel entitled to everything. Yet when this grumbling, inexorable monster is finally slain is when that very monstrosity will be made right. That will be the day when we will truly be entitled to everything -- all the best things beyond our feeble desires now -- and will actually have it in abundance.

See -- even now, the evil in me that I so tearfully hate is turned into a seed of something that I will so tearfully love.

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Clarity

2010-06-07T23:05:00.001-04:00

I'm more wicked than I give myself credit for.

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Baby talk

2010-05-17T20:47:00.003-04:00

There were two small children sitting near the back of the train car with their mother. Portable media players in hand, their giggling, bright voices filled the metal snake filled with tired, silent adults. Then another voice floated through the air -- the high-pitched, overly-amicable voice of the children's loving mother, speaking to her two beloved in what is best known as "baby talk."

Baby talk is a curious thing: It's sickening when adults speak it to one another, but when it's spoken from an adult to a young child -- or a parent to a child -- it's nothing short of warming.

Why do adults speak to their tiny counterparts in such carefully paced, meticulously pronounced, shrill voices? I'm no expert, but from a gaggle of personal experiences and observations, it would appear that it is at least partly rooted in the adults' desire to comfort, not threaten, the young child -- and even more, to bring a smile, not a frown, to their dear faces. This endeavor is so highly esteemed that even some of the coldest, harshest, most callous of people are glad to take part, regardless of what passersby might deduce.

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." - C.S. Lewis

During the past several months, I've asked God to "speak" to me on many occasions. I know that he speaks every moment, but it's always in a manner that is unsatisfying to me. So, when I plead for him to speak louder, clearer, more definitively in my head and heart, I do so out of discontent. He speaks too softly, too quietly, too subtly for me to comprehend, I tell myself. And he uses such inadequate outlets to do it. Why won't he just shout and make things clear!

What I fail to realize is that if God were to actually speak to me with his real, unfettered voice, I would fall to pieces and be completely blown away. It is, in fact, a little-appreciated grace that he speaks baby talk to me, lest I be terrified and tearfully misconstrue his blaring, blinding, deafening roar as furious damnation of all I am. (Yes, there is damnation in it, but it does not fall on me.) Indeed, it's during the "silent" times when it seems God speaks most nakedly, as all the flecks of what's left of me are continuously torched, hammered and blasted away, until all I was is gone and an inconsolable heap of ruin remains.

"And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper." - 1 Kings 19:12 (ESV)

For my infantile ears and mind cannot discern all that is in that voice -- yet. So, he lovingly filters it for me and speaks to me in a tongue I can begin to understand, even if it means risking his reputation as the God who is because of the use of such insufficient men and words.

Adults speak to their adored children with voices raised and emphases deranged to make them feel safe, happy.

God speaks to his beloved babes with fallen humans and easily distorted words to make them feel known, understood -- and to make himself known, understood.

And he goes to the fullest extent to speak to us in terms we can grasp, not by merely bending over us or kneeling before us to make himself more friendly -- he becomes a baby himself and delivers his words in person.

"We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade, the presence of God. The world is crowded with Him. He walks everywhere incognito. And the incognito is not always easy to penetrate. The real labor is to remember to attend. In fact to come awake. Still more to remain awake." - C.S. Lewis

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Splatter

2010-05-15T00:22:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, when I'm able to silence me, I'm amazed that I'm living my life. I don't mean that in an "oh-my-God-I-just-won-the-lottery" kind of way -- I mean it in an "oh-my-God-what-have-I-done-with-28-years" kind of way. How is it possible to have existed this long and accomplished so little? How is it possible to have encountered so much and learned so little? How is it possible to have been given so much and done nothing with it?

I look back with dripping regret.

I look forward with frozen trepidation.

Of course, I'm using the wrong measuring sticks -- I always am -- and relying on the wrong ignition to start my engine each morning.

Grace is often an unbearable burden to me, and this reflects my deep immaturity.

I earnestly hope that one day, I'll be able to sit in those fleeting moments of true silence and just smile, because I'll be appropriately amazed that I'm living my life.

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Life brings death, and vice versa

2010-02-22T21:59:00.005-05:00

Here are the basic circumstances under which our Savior entered our world:

- birth out of wedlock

- welcomed by a group of mystics who probably didn't understand his majesty

- forced to flee in the face of danger

And Irony's deepest kiss: his birth meant the death of many others:

"Then Herod, when he saw that he had been tricked by the wise men, became furious, and he sent and killed all the male children in Bethlehem and in all that region who were two years old or under, according to the time that he had ascertained from the wise men." (Matt. 2:16, ESV)

Lately, I have been empty - of words, thoughts, joy, peace, comfort, strength and so much more. And it's in this trajectory toward nothingness that I find the deepest sorrow and gloom. I'm forced to guess that hell, in some way, must be like this, projected out into eternity - the endless, inexorable erosion of me with no end in sight. It isn't in becoming nothing that I find dread, but in being carried toward that courteous end forever, with the certainty that I'll never actually be granted it.

Yet I am told to have hope, to understand that good things are withheld from me now so that the best may fall into my lap in the future, to wait and see that this drought serves a very worthy purpose. My mind agrees and pleads with this chorus of voices for my soul to follow suit, but it will not. I can say this in many euphemisms, but simply put, I refuse to accept any of this.

I've seen spring follow winter, without fail, every single year of my life. I've ridden roller coasters, literal and metaphorical, and have found great pleasure in the ups and downs once I've gotten off. I've waken up after falling asleep, without fail, every single day of my life.

Yet even with all this embedded in the deepest fibers of my feeble mind's understanding, and memories of post-suffering thanksgiving and apologies flowing from my eyes and lips each and every time life arises again fresh in my mind's eye, I choose to turn my eyes away and doubt all of this all over again.

So, tonight, I am trying to thrust the accounts of Jesus' disruptive arrival into this world down into the depths of my double-speaking heart, because it reminds me of this:

If, out of all the death, disregard and despair that saturated his Son's supremely afflicted existence - what seemed a downright God-damned mess - God can pull out resurrection and life to the fullest, can he not also do the same with my trifle?

Do I, or will I ever completely understand why Christ, who would mean life to so many, was born in circumstances submerged in death? Will I ever fully know why it should require this much destruction to get what's left of me to whatever end awaits?

No, and no.

Though a more composed me might have the gall to protest this, the weary me has nothing left to protest with. He only cries for the same kind of reversal - for relief, for retreat, for pardon, for faith and for the upswing to happen soon so that life might be tasted again, whatever the cost.

Piñata tears

2009-12-30T22:16:00.003-05:00

I saw the above video a few minutes ago on "America's Funniest Home Videos" and found it hilarious and striking.

Hilarious because - well, it's downright funny.

Striking because I see in that girl a sad reflection of me.

When something dear to me, however small or silly, is broken in front of my very eyes, it becomes so easy to wail inconsolably and incoherently. My heart throbs, my throat quivers and my senses are scattered.

But when will I learn to finally understand, truly, that all in this world is naught - that even when "precious" things are hacked to pieces, my true treasure remains intact?

And when will I realize that whenever these things are rent apart, blessings invariably fall from the pieces, each and every time? When will I finally come to grips with the trend of bigger losses bearing bigger rewards, and that Christ's "loss" exhibited this perfectly in yielding the greatest return known to man?

All other losses and, indeed, all other rewards, are pale trifles in comparison.

Foolish loves, tardy reactions, inaccurate valuations - these are the demons that continually plague my heart. I know this, yet I continue to weep over my broken piñatas over and over and over again.

we will earn new eyes...

Enjoy

2009-11-05T01:19:00.003-05:00

I was sitting on a plane recently when the glorious cart of beverages was finally pulled into the aisle. It had been about six hours since my last meal (a long time for yours truly), so I was hungry, thirsty and tired. A nice, cold drink was just what the doctor in my mind ordered.

The stewardess handed me my two beverages (I was thirsty and if they're not going to give me snacks I figure they owe me as much liquid as I desire), but before she left me to quaff it all down, she said something I've heard many times before in this situation but found utterly strange for the first time in my life:

"Enjoy."

How could I not? Why does this lady deem it necessary to bid me enjoy something that I clearly will without her telling me? How could a tired, hungry, thirsty man stuffed in an uncomfortable environment fail to relish this experience?

And herein lies the throbbing ache: Despite the loudest, most convincing of exhortations, I am always failing to ENJOY...

...this...

...that...

...you.

I'm sorry.

"The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love." - Pete, from "Knocked Up"

"Why do you mean so much to me? Help me to find words to explain. Why do I mean so much to you, that you should command me to love you? And if I fail to love you, you are angry and threaten me with great sorrow, as if not to love you were not sorrow enough in itself. Have pity on me and help me, O Lord my God. Tell me why you mean so much to me." - Saint Augustine

When I was your age...

2009-10-15T02:09:00.010-04:00

If I had a child today, these are some of the things I'd say after "When I was your age..."

...we used landline phones."
...we used landline phone modems to get onto the Internet."
...AOL was popular."
...we didn't have Google."
...we didn't use cell phones."
...we used pay phones."
...we listened to cassette tapes."
...we used paper maps."

When I was younger I'd scoff at older people who said anything that started with "When I was your age..." Yes, we've all heard about our elders who had to walk 14 miles, in the snow, without shoes, without a jacket, just to get to school. This type of storytelling is parodied all the time.

I kind of got it before but I really get it now. The reason for sharing these anecdotes is to exhort the younger listener to seriously, soberly, accurately value what they have now because though they have become easier to approach, the values of the actual things themselves have not changed.

And this is what I've learned this week about the enthralling book of Leviticus.

1:1 The Lord called Moses and spoke to him from the tent of meeting, saying, 2 “Speak to the people of Israel and say to them, When any one of you brings an offering to the Lord, you shall bring your offering of livestock from the herd or from the flock.

3 “If his offering is a burnt offering from the herd, he shall offer a male without blemish. He shall bring it to the entrance of the tent of meeting, that he may be accepted before the Lord. 4 He shall lay his hand on the head of the burnt offering, and it shall be accepted for him to make atonement for him. 5 Then he shall kill the bull before the Lord, and Aaron's sons the priests shall bring the blood and throw the blood against the sides of the altar that is at the entrance of the tent of meeting. 6 Then he shall flay the burnt offering and cut it into pieces, 7 and the sons of Aaron the priest shall put fire on the altar and arrange wood on the fire. 8 And Aaron's sons the priests shall arrange the pieces, the head, and the fat, on the wood that is on the fire on the altar; 9 but its entrails and its legs he shall wash with water. And the priest shall burn all of it on the altar, as a burnt offering, a food offering with a pleasing aroma to the Lord.

10 “If his gift for a burnt offering is from the flock, from the sheep or goats, he shall bring a male without blemish, 11 and he shall kill it on the north side of the altar before the Lord, and Aaron's sons the priests shall throw its blood against the sides of the altar. 12 And he shall cut it into pieces, with its head and its fat, and the priest shall arrange them on the wood that is on the fire on the altar, 13 but the entrails and the legs he shall wash with water. And the priest shall offer all of it and burn it on the altar; it is a burnt offering, a food offering with a pleasing aroma to the Lord.

14 “If his offering to the Lord is a burnt offering of birds, then he shall bring his offering of turtledoves or pigeons. 15 And the priest shall bring it to the altar and wring off its head and burn it on the altar. Its blood shall be drained out on the side of the altar. 16 He shall remove its crop with its contents and cast it beside the altar on the east side, in the place for ashes. 17 He shall tear it open by its wings, but shall not sever it completely. And the priest shall burn it on the altar, on the wood that is on the fire. It is a burnt offering, a food offering with a pleasing aroma to the Lord.

I probably sinned by sarcastically using the word "enthralling" to describe Leviticus because I barely meant it. But what makes Leviticus at least a tad bit interesting to me now is that I am beginning to understand that the 17 verses of the first chapter of this book translate (approximately) into, "When I was your age..."

In other words, this is something like God trying to convey to us, today, how He still values sin and its severity. This has not changed, though thanks to Christ's life, death and resurrection we are now freed from the need to physically deal with our sin in such hands-on, slimy, bloody fashion.

Our elders have a valid point: we've devalued things. The incredible advancements of technology and innovation have hurt us maybe as much as they've helped us. Communication, interaction, landscapes, entertainment, discovery and so much more have turned from being significant events to merely being casual, convenient accessories today. Their worth has waned because of the very things that make them more accessible.

God help us if we've allowed this to happen with our understanding and valuation of the foulness of our sin and, as a result, the beauty of our salvation. Both should enable us to deem the other more seriously.

"Lord Jesus Christ, I admit that I am weaker and more sinful than I ever before believed, but, through you, I am more loved and accepted than I ever dared hope. I thank you for paying my debt, bearing my punishment and offering forgiveness. I turn from my sin and receive you as Savior. Amen." - Tim Keller

Singing to a beloved turned away

2009-09-17T14:19:00.004-04:00

I was privileged to have been invited to a party for a precious baby boy’s first birthday. It was absolutely wonderful to celebrate this event with such a beautiful family – to smile together after a year’s worth of love, dedication, time and energy poured into the life of this small child.

At one point, the father took out his guitar and began singing a song he wrote just for his son’s first birthday. It was wonderfully written and performed but the young child didn’t appreciate the precious gift – and who could blame him for turning his back on his father and playing with his toys instead? He is, after all, only a single year old.

I smiled as I watched this scene, partly because this is one of the very rare circumstances where such blatant disregard could be regarded warmly, partly because the song was so wonderful and partly because I couldn’t help but hear the echoes of something else.

A loving father doting on his oblivious beloved…

Not only has he already poured his all, his very life into this child of his, but the father continues to sing over him, crafting new melodies, new words of adoration, new songs each and every day – this in spite of the fact that this child fails to comprehend any of this.

His nascent ears are still too deaf to truly hear, his young eyes still too clouded to see, his budding heart still too numb to sense the songs of good love being sung for him – just for him.

The father’s love for the child is not fueled by, seeking or dependent on the son’s love, or even acknowledgment of him. It just is.

As the toddler matures he’ll understand and appreciate his father’s love more, and as he looks back will realize, amazingly, that this love was just as ardent yesterday as it is today, just as zealous now as it was then.

And the father continues…

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." - 1 John 4:10-11

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person — though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die — but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:6-8

Bolt, Wikus, Saul and greatness

2009-09-09T16:18:00.012-04:00

Bolt only became great when he left the fake world where he was fake great.

Wikus van der Merwe only acted greatly after he was forced to leave his normal life behind and embrace his otherness.

Saul received the Spirit of God and "another heart" after "he turned his back to leave Samuel." (1 Samuel 10:9-10)

I mention these three examples because they all reveal something that seems to ring true everywhere, every time - that in order to start on the path to greatness, you are required to leave behind the familiar, to trade the comfortable for the unknown.

The key is that this exchange and transition only begins the path to higher ground - it never guarantees it.

However, once we've moved on into that better realm we must heed Saul's example in 1 Samuel 15.

(It's here that I must borrow from some things I typed nearly four years ago.)

This chapter is the story of God commanding Saul to destroy the Amalekites, and to "devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey." (1 Samuel 15:3) To keep a long story short, Saul obeys God's command - but not fully. He does kill the Amalekites, but in the process he spared the king, sheep, cattle and "all that was good." Saul's idea was to sacrifice the sheep and cattle to God at Gilgal.

God says that he "regretted" making Saul king because of his disobedience. Saul tried explaining his disobedience, but Samuel replies:

"Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,

as in obeying the voice of the Lord?

Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,

and to listen than the fat of rams.

For rebellion is as the sin of divination,

and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry.

Because you have rejected the word of the Lord,

he has also rejected you from being king."

- 1 Sam. 15:22-23

In the end, Samuel killed King Agag, mourned for Saul and never saw him again for the rest of his life.

(I didn't fully capture the essence of this chapter in this dinky summary, but please read it for yourself before reading on. It's really quite sad and moving.)

There are so many applications and insights in chapter 15, but the one that stands out most to me is this: Saul preserved "good things" that he thought could be better used to glorify God and, in the process, disobeyed and grieved God.

I think many times we do the same. The LORD commands us to utterly destroy or turn our backs on certain aspects of our lives - bad habits, friends, relationships, etc. But when we do so it's inevitable that we hold on to certain things that we think can be used rather than destroyed or neglected. Basically, like Saul, we think that we know better than God.

It is every Christian's struggle to fully obey the LORD, wholeheartedly, without any reserve or queries. We never, ever know better than He does, no matter how much of a waste His demand may seem to be.

How do we know this?

The Gospel, of course.

Did Christ really have to die? I mean, couldn't God have spared Him? Imagine all of the great things Jesus could have done on this earth if He had lived a full life span. Why waste such a precious commodity? Jesus should have exercised that free will of His and avoided the cross. He could have done so much more.

Good logic, good intentions, no? Just like Saul's logic and intentions.

Consider then, what would have been the outcome if good logic and good intentions prevailed over God's will on Calvary? I think the answer is fairly powerful - and haunting.

In the end, with much humility and reverence, we must lay our pride aside and confess and believe, wholeheartedly, that God is always right. In a world, in a "Christian" culture, that has become so liberal and unbiblical, perverted with excessive laxness and "grace," obedience is something that has lost its meaning and importance, but we must not fall into that trap. We must obey no matter how illogical the demands may seem at the time. Obedience is what God delights in. It is "better than sacrifice."

Is there something or someone that God is telling you to lay aside, to "utterly destroy?" If so, you have a very important choice ahead of you. You will be either more like Saul or more like Christ depending on the decision you make.

Saul's decision led to his dethroning.

Christ's decision led to his eternal enthroning at the right hand of God.

Saul found his path toward greatness when he turned his back to leave Samuel, but lost it "as Samuel turned to go away." (1 Samuel 15:27) From there on, as we know, Saul was stuck on a terrible downward spiral.

So, it seems, the first few miles of our path are lined with the bricks of denial and departure from what we know. It also seems that the rest of it is lined with the same - frequent denial and departure from what we thought was good, sensible and better - until the end is reached in an eternity filled with acceptance and arrival.

Earning death, receiving life

2009-08-21T14:39:00.008-04:00

I just read Romans 6:23 during my lunch break and it blew a fuse in my mind:

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Wages = what one works and strives hard for

Free gift = what one does nothing to deserve yet receives anyway

Can you imagine if your paycheck or degree was replaced by a paper bag filled with fermented fecal matter? Yet this isn't even close to what the Bible says our situation was.

We used to be people who worked incredibly hard to earn death - not money, fame, comfort, peace or joy, which we thought we were working for. Now, we are counted as those who do (and should) not (have to) work at all, and our reward for that is eternal gift, at no cost to us. (The last two words there are infinitely important.)

This is our salvation, this is our gospel, this is our God.

The prodigal sprinkler, or the prodigal God

2009-08-05T00:02:00.004-04:00

There has been a phenomenon that I have noticed many times this summer here in Evanston, Ill. Here is a picture of an example:

There are many front lawns and patches of grass in this town and virtually all of them are quite small. Yet, for whatever reason, the caretakers of these tiny squares of grass seem to love placing normal-sized sprinklers on them. As you can expect, this makes for funny scenes of humans waiting for an opening to quickly pass by the water that the sprinklers inevitably spray onto walkways. For many, it's a nuisance; for some, it's an occasion for a patient smile.

Does the grass get watered? Yes. Would smaller sprinklers do this too, without watering surrounding walkways and spraying water on passersby? Yes.

This reminded me of God and his people.

It seems to me that I oftentimes find myself believing that God's fount of salvation and redemption in my life is only meant for me, for my improvement, healing and help. But what I fail to realize, in simple terms, is that the outflows of this fount, of its Source, are much larger than I care to perceive.

It also seems to me that this fount is meant just as much for the passersby in my life as for me. For many in this fallen world it will be a cause for curious pity that I should have had such a wasteful sprinkler installed on my lawn, in what they will think to be ignorance and misunderstanding. For others, it will be a plain nuisance. But I trust that for a few it will be cause, at the very least, to pause and smile, and at the very most, to inquire about how to install a sprinkler with a similarly wasteful range and spring of their own.

Concrete and pavement are watered by the sprinkler's wasteful flow,
In hopes that through the cracks, hidden seeds into beautiful flowers will grow.

“Joseph is a fruitful bough,
a fruitful bough by a spring;
his branches run over the wall."
- Genesis 49:22 (ESV)

I'm alive

2009-07-07T16:02:00.001-04:00

I am still alive - some days, in new ways.

I still want to blog.

Forgive me for my slothfulness.

Sebastian's Voodoo

2009-05-12T09:58:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T01:18:00.001-04:00

"I regard no man as poor who has a godly mother." - Abraham Lincoln

My life gets in the way of my Life

2009-05-08T01:17:00.008-04:00

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39 (ESV, emphasis added)

God,

About two weeks ago, I joined some members of my small group to worship with a ministry that serves homeless people in Chicago.

I walked into the room during the time of singing praise songs and was first struck by how stuffy it was; then, with envy, at how freely the congregation was singing and celebrating.

One of the songs, the title of which I do not remember, had a bridge that went like this:

I love you more than life

My lips were poised and ready to sing along, but my tongue was not - it could not. As everyone repeated that line I was standing in the back with my throat locked, tears welling up in my eyes and streaming down my face because I could not honestly sing those simple words.

If I were to convey to you, my Lord, every emotion and thought that rushed through me, I would not sleep tonight. Yet you know what I felt during those few minutes: disappointment, rage, confusion, self-hatred...and so much more.

My life - which has all the luster of a rusted nail - was keeping me from singing, earnestly, that I love you more than life? Father, how can this be?

Does the pool keep me from the beach? Does the mp3 keep me from the concert? Does the IM box keep me from the friend?

Then why, Father, does my broken-down, scarred, charred, hideous life keep me from loving you more than it? Why, Lord, am I so enthralled with this ghastly whore when my peerless beloved stands before me?

Even as you repair and mend this fractured life and bring it to full beauty, give the eyes of my heart true sight that I might see, more and more, how undesirable it will always be compared to you. As you bridge the gap between you and me, may the gap between my love for you and my love for this life widen - eternally, infinitely.

Loosen my tongue, imbue my heart with truth, that I might one day sing those simple words, truly.

Yet, tonight, I rest in this: that you have spoken to this matter already, speaking through your servant to tell me that no one and nothing, not even my life, will ever separate me from your love.

My throat is locking and tears are welling up again.

Thank you.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39 (ESV, emphasis added)

The Grand Demythologizer: The Gospel and Idolatry

2009-05-07T09:26:00.003-04:00

Please watch this.

I am a failure

2009-04-23T11:58:00.003-04:00

It took me seven months but I finally made my first trip to the gym yesterday. I got to run, lift free weights (chest) and chisel my abs. It was glorious.

One of the reasons why I enjoy working out so much is the chance it gives me to stare at myself in the mirrors.

No, not in that vain kind of way. (If I had more impressive muscles, maybe it would in that vain kind of way.)

In between sets I like sitting down and staring into my reflected self's eyes in the mirror in front of me. I just stare into my own eyes and ponder me - something I never do outside of the weight room.

When I do this, I am almost always led to thoughts of disappointment with myself. Yes, partly because of how little weight I am lifting compared to the centaur next to me, but mostly because of thoughts that are quite similar to this one haunting question:

After 27 years, this is all you've become?

Yesterday, just as I began this process, a song began playing. Its first few lines go like this:

And it's all right, it's all right
And it's all right, it's all right
Everybody is a failure in this light

I couldn't help but to grin.

glory (n.)

2009-04-21T14:07:00.007-04:00

I was walking home yesterday and began to pray through the Lord's Prayer. A while ago I heard someone say that the Lord's Prayer touches upon all the essential aspects of prayer. So, sometimes when words to say to my Father do not come easily, I pray through the prayer that Jesus taught us. In other words, I pray each line, pause, and pray it in my own personal, current words, in a way that means something to me where I am right now.

If you've never try this, I think you should. You'll be surprised at how long you can pray for, and how many hidden things will surface in your words.

Anyway, I eventually came to the last line:

"For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen."

Then I thought: what does glory really mean?

So, I looked it up in Webster's New World College Dictionary, Fourth Edition:

1.
a) great honor and admiration won by doing something important or valuable; fame; renown
b) anything bringing this
2. worshipful adoration or praise
3. the condition of highest achievement, splendor, prosperity, etc. [Greece in her glory]
4. radiant beauty or splendor; magnificence
5. heaven or the bliss of heaven
6.
a) a halo or its representation in art
b) any circle of light

I hope this blesses you in some way.

"Prayer" by C.S. Lewis

2009-04-05T22:48:00.000-04:00

Master, they say that when I seem
To be in speech with you,
Since you make no replies, it's all a dream
--One talker aping two.

They are half right, but not as they
Imagine; rather, I
Seek in myself the things I meant to say,
And lo! The wells are dry.

Then, seeing me empty, you forsake
The Listener's role, and through
My dead lips breathe and into utterance wake
The thoughts I never knew.

And thus you neither need reply
Nor can; thus, while we seem
Two talking, thou are One forever, and I
No dreamer, but thy dream.

Offensive silence

2009-04-05T19:04:00.001-04:00

"Please hold."

OK, I'm back.

That is an illustration of what I experienced during my time back at home. Let me explain.

During my first day at home I got a call on my home land line phone, but the caller ID showed that it was 'Out of area' and from my experience, nine times out of 10 a caller that is 'Out of area' is a telemarketer of some sort, so I did not pick up.

The caller left a message, and sure enough it was a machine caller that left this simple message: "Please hold."

When I heard the message, I literally said out loud - "Wow, how kind," before joyfully deleting the message.

I've received these types of calls before, and I'm sure many of you have as well. You pick up the phone, say "Hello?" and a machine tells you to "Please hold." Usually after that a telemarketer picks up and tries to sell you something.

Well, I don't know about you, but my first reaction when I hear a machine tell me to "Please hold," without so much as a greeting, I'm a bit offended. I find it impersonal and condescending - a killer combo.

This got me thinking - God does this too.

It's my understanding that he does this on multiple levels. On a large scale, for believers he has literally "called" us, and, thanks to our irresistible Father, we picked up. When we do, we may or may not have received an immediate communication of his desired direction for our lives. Regardless, more times than not, after he has called us, both in terms of awakening us to his grace and salvation, and in terms of our long-term life path, there is this unsettling pause, an almost frightening, and oftentimes frustrating silence about the details.

This also happens when a burden is placed squarely on our hearts. We're left with a burning desire to act, but it often takes many days, weeks, months or years for it to gain traction, for our Lord to shine his light on the good path that we should shoulder this, his burden, on.

The sad thing is, it seems to me that I too often get discouraged during these times of silence, "undirection" and holding. I eagerly respond with a "Hello?" only to hear a voice say "Please hold." And when I do, I allow myself to lose grip on...everything.

But the reason I lose my grip and sometimes end up hanging up is the fact that I forget two things: who the caller is and the fact that he has even called me at all!

For those of us who feel that we have been put on hold by God, especially after a call or burden that we fervently embraced, it's my prayer that we'll ponder these two facts, and that we'll read through the Bible to see the good company we are in (David, anyone?).

On a grander scale, and in view of the coming weekend of such importance for us, Jesus' 33 years on earth was something that many people embraced. But after his death, all of his ardent followers were, in a very real sense, put on hold for three excruciating days - three days of horrible silence.

"Please hold."

But after those three days, the silence was beautifully ended. (I would imagine that many fell away during those 72 hours... I would also imagine that many tearfully returned to God, with quivering hearts, lips and affections...joining the likes of Peter.)

May we view our holds in light of those three days and the ending of it that we are so familiar and grateful for. Surely, if God ended that terrible hold, he will end ours as well - sometimes as a smooth continuation of what was expected, and sometimes as a jarring shift in gears that takes us to beauties unforeseen.

He will return again.

(I apologize for the wordiness and convoluted thoughts here. I put these thoughts on "hold" in order to allow them to ferment a bit more in me, but I was so overwhelmed by their wine that I think it made it difficult to tame in this post. If you've read this, you're more patient than I.)

"A wonderful thing about God’s silence is that His stillness is contagious— it gets into you, causing you to become perfectly confident so that you can honestly say, "I know that God has heard me." His silence is the very proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will always bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of His silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy— silence." - Oswald Chambers

There's no "u" in "dream"

2009-03-23T01:07:00.002-04:00

I am Dr. Manhattan

2009-03-21T01:04:00.013-04:00

I saw "Watchmen" a couple weeks ago and thought it was OK. The film was entertaining, I liked a couple of the themes and one of the characters was fascinating to me, but as a whole it was too long and quite mediocre.

The character that intrigued me the most was Dr. Manhattan. Yes, the blue guy with the Adonic body, measured speech and the sometimes-visible blue member. For me, Dr. Manhattan posed the most interesting hero in the film because he presented such a unique quandary.

Though he was the only one of the Watchmen to possess true superpowers and absolute clarity of thought and purpose, these very assets compelled him to feel distant from the planet, from the people he was equipped to save. In other words, his superpowers, the attributes that enabled him to potentially be the world's savior, were the very things that forged a horrible apathy in him, thus rendering him virtually worthless to the ones that needed his saving.

This was an incredibly engaging concept for me, and was even more so because it reminded me of some Christians - namely, me.

I will resist the temptation to step up on a soapbox and speak in generalities, so I'll just keep this shameful spotlight on me.

I'll use an experience I had tonight as a frame for my point. (This is long, and it is partly a confession, so if you don't have time or don't have the willingness to forgive and pray for me, I suggest you move on.)

I was sitting on the 4 train, heading downtown in New York tonight when I heard the sound of jingling change in a container. I was listening to music, but the jingling was loud enough to catch my attention. Tonight was one of those terrible times when I was not "feeling" generous and when my skeptical side took too much control of me. In order to avoid eye contact with the beggar I assumed was walking down the middle of the car, I just stared down at the feet of the person across from me.

After a few seconds, I saw a white bucket emerge into my view. It was filled with coins and bills, and it was on the ground, held by a gloved hand. This was different.

I kept my eyes fixed on the shoes across from me.

Suddenly, the bucket, which was being shaken from side to side, lurched into the center of my sight, and I finally saw him: a man with both his legs amputated, using his hands to drag himself from car to car, shaking his bucket to get the attention of passengers.

Staring downwards was a bad choice.

Many people responded to this man's request for help - more than usual for "normal" beggars with two legs. I saw four, maybe five people in my view alone that tossed bills into his bucket - no coins. The men to my right and left both gave him bills. I gave him nothing.

I sat there, frozen - not by fear, not by mistrust, but by my own poverty.

Many thoughts and emotions raced through me. I won't prolong this post with all the details, but they centered around the fact that this man was a mirror of my own blackened, frozen heart.

Each thought flickered in my mind's eye - maybe the loss of his legs was due to his own irresponsibility...maybe his motivations are no different than those of the mendicant who begs for drug or alcohol money...maybe he's abusing his physical condition for his own selfish gain...

Those odious thoughts, and so many more, hacked away at me with terrible strength, and by the time I had "come to" he had already passed me by. I sat there, still staring at those shoes, and wanted to rend myself to pieces.

That man's miserable condition had dug up the true quality of my heart and proven that I am even more impoverished, more pitiable than he.

I am Dr. Manhattan.

It is my understanding that the gospel is "the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes" (Romans 1:16, ESV). This means, of course, that it is the superpower of superpowers, the awesome nuke of shalom that so many seem to need and seek. And I have tasted this grace - though I sometimes forget, yes, I have tasted it and know its power, goodness and authenticity.

Yet, many times when it comes to these actual circumstances of need - whether it be a homeless man in front of my very eyes, or sorrowful news on a screen - I am often frozen, to the point of impotence, by my thoughts, by my salvation.

Though I am still a child, I am well-versed in "good" words and deliberations that justify inaction - AND I HATE THIS.

Nowhere in that book of life am I told to first thoroughly think circumstances through, see all the angles, then if it seems proper, act.

Then where did this inclination come from?

I can only presume that somehow, someway, the enemy has managed to enter the control room of my mind and afflict it with perversions so deep, so numbing, so anesthetizing that I become nothing but a heartless possessor of a remedy - the worst kind.

And now as I finish this belabored post, my throat is tense, my vision blurred and my body quaking with rage and self-hatred.

I am sick of being paralyzed by the very thing that must drive me to prompt and sharp action. I am sick of allowing myself to be driven away, in thought, heart and spirit, from the very ones that I should be drawing even nearer to because I am caught up in my own security.

So, I ask you, dear reader, and God himself to forgive me tonight. I also ask that he would shatter me, so that I would be an infant in evil, but in my thinking, mature (1 Corinthians 14:20).

I am sick of being Dr. Manhattan.

Fwd

2009-03-17T17:55:00.002-04:00

During the past six months I've received a lot of forwarded mail. This is, of course, mail that was addressed to my home in New Jersey, but forwarded to my apartment in Evanston, IL. On every piece of forwarded mail, there is a yellow sticker that indicates my new address.

I think many of the blessings that we receive in our lives are like forwarded mail.

As we should know, our home is not here - it is heaven. Earth is only our temporary address.

And, as the Bible says, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above..." (James 1:17, ESV)

So, I think it should be the joyful duty of every Christian to make sure to look for the "forwarding label" on every parcel received from home, so that every blessing will not cause us to grow more content with our place here, but remind us that our home is above.

Megan Joy Corkrey

2009-03-11T21:50:00.006-04:00

My new squeeze:

Heart ascending

2009-03-06T01:06:00.003-05:00

A song that played as I was walking home really made my day.
It revived me,
Made me felt present, alive, sentient again - just for a couple minutes.
And, as swiftly as the wind, which seemed to merrily whisper a secret into me,

It left.

Your move, chief

2009-02-11T22:34:00.004-05:00

I heart Brooke Fraser

2009-02-03T23:10:00.005-05:00

Need I say more?

But I shall.

I had a long day. I won't complain about it, but it was one of the tougher ones for a wuss like me. The story I was working on felt a bit forced, not many people wanted to be interviewed and my throat was bothersome (though it made my voice sound really cool - or so methinks).

As I was getting ready to exit the train at Main Street, my phone's music player (on shuffle) began playing "Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser and I couldn't help but smile.

Just as I took my first steps onto the platform, Ms. Fraser sang this beauty of a chorus:

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

I've always loved this song, but it had a new fragrance tonight.

I'm tempted to unload all of my run-on thoughts here, but I'll keep this short.

In a world where so many foundations are crumbling, I take great comfort to see that my sanity is still maintained (for the most part).

This is why, in retrospect, I count all my foundation-shaking sorrows as blessings, because at the very least they withdrew whatever faulty planks I was standing on and forced me to see that my foundation was poor.

I do not claim to have ever exited the better end of a struggle reassured of my enduring stance on Christ's foundation. In fact, I confess to you, honestly, that each and every one of my heart-rending hardships has shown me that my feet are ever wandering to other foundations.

Though I can't say for certain whether this will change during this lifetime, I take great comfort in imagining the day when after all the world has fallen away, "out from under me," and I will, for the first time, find that I am standing on him - in him.

The goosebumps I feel now for that thought's sake won't even compare...

"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you? Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great." - Luke 6:46-49

'Til I only dwell in thee

2009-02-02T01:37:00.004-05:00

One thing I love about seeing the ground covered by inches of snow is knowing that the green grass hidden underneath still lives and will be revealed again.

I am yearning for spring.

Blagojevich's silence

2009-01-29T23:44:00.005-05:00

Well, it's finally over: Rod Blagojevich is now a plain old citizen.

If you want to see the full video of his closing argument, you can watch it here. (Be warned: he talks for about 46 minutes.)

The part I want to focus on is the last minute. Watch it if you can.

If you're too lazy to, I'll spoil it for you and reveal what happens: silence.

It occurred to me that sometimes the best way to appreciate what I have is to see what happens to those who do not.

There are so many people who spend their entire lives defending themselves and in the end it will mean absolutely nothing. All of their resistance to acknowledge the truth, their refusal to admit to their standing with it, will be met with a deafening silence.

When I bear down on the thought of being met with infinite silence at the end of my life, I realize how that is just a scratch on the unfathomed surface of what hell really is.

I am grateful to be one who has someone to defend me, in my stead - whose testimony and pleas demand a ruling in my favor and secure an eventual greeting that will put all the applause that President Barack Obama has ever heard to shame.

Now my struggle is to go beyond this whisper of heaven and to genuinely desire this privilege to be extended to many more.

I found it again

2009-01-27T00:35:00.005-05:00

I'll be honest.

I rarely read posts that are composed of just lyrics to some song I've never heard of. So, I understand if you don't read this.

If you do, know that this song resonates with something in me these days, for reasons I'm not sure of. All apologies for not writing much lately. I'll try to update this thing more often.

Watashi Wa - "Something to Say"

today, the things familiar to me are gone
and i'm here in some strange place
with nothing to say
and all of my life
i've had someplace to go
some purpose to serve
and something to say

if i sing at the top of my lungs
it won't say a thing if i haven't loved
the things i realize here
the plans that i make they fail miserably
i feel alone and i feel empty
but i feel alive with something to say
if i sing at the top of my lungs
it won't say a thing

i found it again
so i'll sing it loud
the plan was all that i knew
and all i could say
i feel alive and i feel alone
to sing at the top of my lungs

I need you right now

2009-01-08T20:06:00.002-05:00

David Crowder.

If you're somehow still unaware, here is his Xanga.

I am Legend, or "Why-why-why won't the world revolve around me?"

2009-01-05T23:59:00.008-05:00

You can bow and pretend
That you don't-don't know you're a legend
- "America's Suitehearts" by Fall Out Boy

I saw "The Tale of Despereaux" last week with my mom. While the visuals were splendid, the story was flimsy.

A theme that runs through the movie is how mice are afraid of exhibiting the virtues of bravery and courage, and instead hold dear the display of cowardice and timidity. Frankly, it reminded me of Christians. Many of us are almost too good at humility, meekness and patience, and we unknowingly denounce brazen, naked moxie because it reeks of "pride" and everything else unsavory to our spiritual tongues.

Well, it's time to wake up. I could be wrong here, but I don't think there is a single significant Bible character who was just humble, meek and patient. There is always another side filled with unbridled passion, whether for better or worse.

It seems that God cherishes those children of his who exhibit this duality, even if they do fall too often on the side of error.

As for me, in 2009 I hope to be a bit more like Despereaux - except, at least three times bigger.

I want to live a life that angels chatter about, with envy.

Fall Out Boy - America's Suitehearts (Acoustic)

The end

2008-12-31T11:32:00.007-05:00

“A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom.”

- Robert Frost

Goodbye 2008 - your end is finally here.

Here's to a different polarity in 2009.

This never fails to...

2008-12-30T01:08:00.004-05:00

Why do you mean so much to me? Help me to find words to explain. Why do I mean so much to you, that you should command me to love you? And if I fail to love you, you are angry and threaten me with great sorrow, as if not to love you were not sorrow enough in itself. Have pity on me and help me, O Lord my God. Tell me why you mean so much to me.

- Saint Augustine

I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match

2008-12-19T21:08:00.007-05:00

They say the captain goes down with the ship
So, when the world ends will God go down with it?

I've been listening to Fall Out Boy's new album, "Folie a Deux," and I have to admit that it's pretty good. I'm kind of ashamed to confess it, since I find them to be a bit..."teenish."

One of the songs on the album that I'm digging is called "What a Catch, Donnie." It's a pretty cheesy song, to be honest. It's very anthem-like, clearly meant to sway stadiums of their young fans. The ending is quite interesting - if you've heard Fall Out Boy's previous hits, you'll get it, but you might not like it.

At any rate, there's a verse that caught my ear. It's pasted above, but for those of you who are too lazy to move your eyes up a few lines, I'll paste it again here:

They say the captain goes down with the ship
So, when the world ends will God go down with it?

When I heard that, my immediate answer was: "He didn't wait for the world to end - he already has...and he went down for it."

Fall Out Boy - "What a Catch, Donnie"

Miracles

2008-12-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

"We modern people think of miracles as the suspension of the natural order, but Jesus meant them to be the restoration of the natural order. The Bible tells us that God did not originally make the world to have disease, hunger, and death in it. Jesus has come to redeem where it is wrong and heal the world where it is broken. His miracles are not just proofs that he has power but also wonderful foretastes of what he is going to do with that power. Jesus's miracles are not just a challenge to our minds, but a promise to our hearts, that the world we all want is coming." - Timothy Keller

A wish repeated

2008-12-15T17:01:00.003-05:00

A stretch of highway in Pennsylvania wore a mantle of pure blackness.
Fear took hold of me.
Wisps of fog were bitter ghosts,
Skittering leaves were mischievous creatures,
Gusts of wind were shouts of fury.
But I remembered the shooting star a few miles back
And everything changed.
Every inch of darkness became an opportunity for fleeting beauty, again.

Beauty in the unknown, or 'Jumping into puddles'

2008-12-10T23:58:00.012-05:00

I was talking with a friend online the other day (if you're reading this, *wink wink*), and he mentioned Sigur Ros. I asked him if he liked the band, and he said yes, but that he wished he knew what they were saying. I agreed. Then he typed: "but i guess not knowing what they say adds to the music."

I replied: "true true."

And there it is.

It occurred to me on the way back to my apartment today that there is a lot of good that is left unappreciated and unnoticed because we foolishly disdain any shade of ignorance in our lives.

I'm not saying that absolute ignorance is absolute bliss, but methinks we are too preoccupied with knowing without appreciating not knowing.

Just as those strange Icelandic words add to the beauty of Sigur Ros' music, many of the things that quicken our pulses are rooted in the unknown...

...wondering what's around the corner...
...waiting on the results of exams and submitted papers...
...figuring out whether or not the girl you like reciprocates your affection for her...

This is why I'm somewhat glad that God hasn't revealed everything to us yet. The mystery of who he is (or isn't), what he does (or doesn't), how he does it (or doesn't) and why he does it (or doesn't) makes him more beautiful and glorious.

When our frustration about all that we don't understand is eventually stripped away, and when our unhealthy hunger for theology as a panacea is finally given up, I hope this sentiment will remain.

So, I hope you'll join me in the quest to see the unknown differently - not as a land that must always be conquered, but as a realm whose lingering presence makes us smile.

Sigur Ros - "Hoppipolla"

The grace of delayed inauguration

2008-12-07T00:53:00.001-05:00

It's been over a month since Sen. Barack Obama won the 2008 presidential race. However, citizens of America still have to wait more than six weeks before he actually takes office.

In the meantime, President George W. Bush will remain the country's lame duck.

All of the passion, optimism and excitement surrounding Obama's campaign have encountered something of a wall here. It's almost palpable - the end of the presidential campaign has left a gaping hole in the news and everyday discussion. If news programs want to cover an Obama story, they sometimes have to wait for one of his press conferences involving the announcement of his future "team of rivals."

It might be me, but I find these announcements of Obama's future cabinet members to be a bit humorous. He stands behind a lectern showing a quasi-official "The Office of the President-Elect" sign, giving press conferences with all of these yet-to-be-important parts of his presidency standing beside him.

Those scenes remind me of some sort of amateur production. It almost seems fake, as if Obama and his friends are pretending. Yet these press conferences are immensely important events and are strong hints at what is to come.

It seems to me like a fairly strong fragrance of the current state of our world and what's to come, according to the Bible.

There is a lame duck ruler of this world - "the prince of the power of the air" - that is officially usurped, but not yet.

However, a new leader is fast approaching this throne. He has already won the race but has yet to officially take his rightful place.

There is a delayed inauguration here.

Now, in Obama's case, many of those who did not vote for him could care less about this delay. In fact, they might be wishing that the inauguration would be pushed even further back.

Those who did vote for Obama probably feel very differently. They are likely to be champing at the bit to see Jan. 20 come, wanting nothing more than to see that date moved up.

Either way, the day is coming.

But there is a major difference between the U.S. presidential election process and the notion of the Second Coming - and it is founded on grace.

Once you vote for a presidential candidate, that's it - you can't claim to have supported Obama when you voted for McCain, and vice versa. Your vote is final and irreversible. For those who didn't vote, they can't claim to have supported anyone.

While anyone who initially opposed Obama may throw their support behind him once they observe his quality in office, it will always be polluted by their original decision. The same goes for those who supported Obama and later choose to frown on his presidency. Look at politicians and their stances on the decision to invade Iraq - it doesn't matter a bit to the public what they think now. What matters most is what they thought at the outset.

In terms of the spiritual realm, many have already voted - some for Jesus, some against him and many still undecided (or apathetic).

For many Christians, especially those suffering deep pains and sorrows, the Second Coming couldn't come soon enough. In fact, many pray for that day to come as soon as possible. Some flippantly utter this longing, while others cry these words out from the depths of their tortured hearts.

I won't say that this is wrong, but I will say that if the ending of personal pain and suffering is the only aspect to any Christian's yearning for the Second Coming, it is a very selfish, parochial one that is in need of maturity and a further nearness to the heart of the Gospel.

The delay in Christ's establishment as the rightful ruler of this earth is an undeniable, incredible expression of grace - towards those who have already voted for him, and those that have yet to.

For those who have voted against him, are confused or have decided that this matter is not one of importance (or one that even exists) to them, this delayed inauguration allows them the chance to fix their sails, right their ships and either change their minds or choose the right side.

For Christians, among the many joys of lingering on this earth, one is the participation in the experience of grace for unbelievers mentioned above.

Each time one chooses God's side, it's not too far from the public appointments of officials to Obama's political team. We are a variegated group of flawed people who appear to be playing make-believe. The signs still don't appear official, the setting is less than glorious and we stand behind a leader that has yet to be officially inaugurated.

But if this delayed fulfillment means grace to all, especially those who have yet to find this joy that is ours now, then it becomes difficult to call for inauguration day to be pushed up, and in a sense, it even seems somewhat desirable to have this good day pushed back indefinitely.

The Enemy's lame duck term is nearing its end, just as President Bush's is, to the joy of many. The only difference is that Satan does not have the option of pardoning himself.

Why is God landing in this enemy-occupied world in disguise and starting a sort of secret society to undermine the Devil? Why is He not landing in force, invading it? Is it that He is not strong enough? Well, Christians think He is going to land in force; we do not know when. But we can guess why He is delaying. He wants to give us the chance of joining His side freely. I do not suppose you and I would have thought much of a Frenchman who waited till the Allies were marching into Germany and then announced he was on our side. God will invade. But I wonder whether people who ask God to interfere openly and directly in our world quite realize what it will be like when He does. When that happens, it is the end of the world. When the author walks on to the stage the play is over. God is going to invade, all right: but what is the good of saying you are on His side then, when you see the whole natural universe melting away like a dream and something else -- something it never entered your head to conceive -- comes crashing in; something so beautiful to some of us and so terrible to others that none of us will have any choice left? For this time it will be God without disguise; something so overwhelming that it will strike either irresistible love or irresistible horror into every creature. It will be too late then to choose your side. There is no use saying you choose to lie down when it has become impossible to stand up. That will not be the time for choosing: it will be the time when we discover which side we really have chosen, whether we realized it before or not. Now, today, this moment, is our chance to choose the right side. God is holding back to give us that chance. It will not last for ever. We must take it or leave it. - C.S. Lewis (emphasis added)

* Note: I am not implying that Obama is the equivalent of Jesus, or that Bush is the equivalent of Satan, though many might. There are merely parallels that I thought worthy of highlighting. Nothing more.

Débora Nascimento

2008-12-04T00:03:00.016-05:00

I just saw "The Incredible Hulk," and all I can say is: Martina.

Or, should I say, Débora Nascimento. (She was way underused. She's also way underexposed. Why isn't she more famous?)

Ladies and gentlemen - my new celebrity crush.

I called her first. She's mine. If you try to take her, I will Hulk smash you.

Mr. Narwhal, please come home

2008-12-01T23:10:00.004-05:00

It was great being home last week. I'm looking forward to going back in less than two weeks.

Home is where you are familiar with the TV channels, methinks.

I was able to catch some of "Elf," and warm bubbles formed in my belly.

Will Ferrell + Zooey Deschanel + Mr. Narwhal = Brilliance.

I can't wait for Christmas this year.

Dustin Kensrue - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

The Gospel of Journalism

2008-11-23T22:45:00.011-05:00

"Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned..." - Romans 5:12 (ESV)

The idea of "federal headship" has become more real to me recently.

Rejection has been the most frequently inflicted pain since this quarter started. No, not the unrequited-love kind, but the interviewing kind.

I could probably go on for at least 29 paragraphs detailing all of the times I have asked people for an interview only to be rejected. I understand, for the most part. After all, time is precious and it's difficult to imagine many people whose pulses quicken at the thought of sharing their thoughts and being quoted by a journalism student. (I've found that tossing the word "graduate" in there doesn't do much good.)

Last Saturday, I was attempting to interview people at a local 7-Eleven. One lady rejected me and later told me, approximately, "Most people don't want to talk with you because of those people before you who twisted people's quotes around."

I nodded and understood. I had no rebuttal.

It's frustrating enough to be repeatedly rejected by people, but to know that it has just as much, if not more to do with the journalists who preceded me...that really broils my biscuits.

I am starting off at the bottom of the slope, right from the outset. I am guilty until proven innocent. It's left to me to build up and gain credibility, not to merely maintain it.

The sins of those before me have made me disreputable.

And I feel it when some people immediately turn their eyes away or cough when I utter the word "journalism."

So, what can be done about this?

1) Earn it: I can turn my back on the lengthy history of journalistic sins and try my damndest to redeem the whole profession myself, so to speak. I'd have to put blinders on and take care of my own credibility. I would have to try to build up a pristine record and maintain it until the day I die. It's virtually impossible, of course, but I could try. Still, this does nothing to deal with the root issue. It only gives me an empty motivation that does little to redeem the reputation of the profession, and sets a bar far too high for me to overcome.

2) Forgiveness: I could hope that all the heartstrings of every citizen in the world would somehow be pulled in the direction of forgiveness towards every single journalist who has thus far sullied the reputation of the profession. However, if this happened at 11:45:00 p.m. tonight, it's effect would be quashed at 11:45:01 p.m., when some journalist somewhere will have made another blunder, thus marring the profession anew. Again, this does not deal with the root problem.

3) Bliss: Ignore the problem altogether. All parties would try to turn a blind mind's eye to the matter and go on from there. This is probably the most cowardly of options, and does nothing to uproot the problem.

4) A flame deluge: The profession of journalism could be purged from society. Bad for a number of reasons, and I say that with the utmost objectivity. This is using a shotgun to kill a weed - the root remains.

There are countless other options, of course, but they all fall short.

Now, I could try to imagine a scenario where a perfect, reputable journalist would appear and take the blame for all of the profession's missteps - past, present and future. He would not only take the blame, but would claim to be the author of each mistake - past, present and future - and would take the consequences upon himself. He would assume the guise of every single faulty journalist - past, present and future - and would trade his spotless résumé for their blotted ones.

After he was prosecuted - harshly, I would imagine - the problem would have been properly resolved, the profession would be guiltless and interviews would come more easily for journalism students.

Those that would accept me as faultless would accept the solution, while those that would not accept me, in spite of the exchange, would, in effect, reject the solution. It would no longer reflect on me, but on the one who exchanged places with me.

Obviously, there are incredibly huge gaps between this scenario and the Gospel itself that make this illustration all but useless, but to think that this plot, in its essence, has actually played out in a much deeper, profound way, on a grander stage makes me pause, with gratitude.

And as I think about this, new roots begin to grow in me - further up and further in.

"Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous." - Romans 5:18-19

Alone

2008-11-13T23:44:00.016-05:00

"You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created." - C.S. Lewis

Living alone has been mostly enjoyable so far. The pros have considerably outweighed the cons. It might have to do with the newness of it all, since I have never lived alone before, but still, it is pleasing to me.

I get to bask in my introvertedness for most of my evenings, and I like that.

I've heard people say they want to live alone because they desire to be away from people that annoy them at home.

While I am not one of those people, I have found that the appeal of being away from the annoyance of other people is a fleeting, if not false benefit of living by yourself.

I can only speak for myself, but I have found that the more I am alone, the more I annoys me. Terrible grammar, I know, but it's the best way I know how to say it.

Especially as a student who is constantly being humbled and challenged, there are many sober realizations as I look into that proverbial mirror, which has become ubiquitous somehow.

I constantly wonder - after more than 26 years of living, is this all I have become? Is this the furthest point I've reached so far in my life? Mentally, physically, spiritually, is this the zenith of my existence-to-date? Is this the return on all the investments poured into me?

Immediate sadness, regret and resignation imbues my heart, and at once I become irritated with me.

I realize that no matter where I am, no matter who I am with or not with, I am my own permanent roommate. I cannot get rid of me or leave me and instead choose another me.

Still, I begrudgingly count this as a benefit to living alone.

Because in this isolated condition, each passing minute feels more measured, deliberate and meaningful as I become familiar with what is approaching.

I cannot help but to bear with me, and I am led to believe that God also cannot help but to bear with me in the same manner, though he is glad to.

Just as I am alone with me, God, unbounded by time and place, is alone with me, every second of my miserable being.

The difference, I am trying to understand, is while I am unhappy to be stuck with myself, God is infinitely happy to have me as his - not because of who I appear to be in my own eyes, but because of who I actually am in his.

The rest of my years will be mostly the same - I will continue to be disappointed with who I am, and he will continue to be pleased with who I am becoming and have already become.

My joy is knowing that his pleasure will eventually meet with my discouragement - and his sentiment will win and overcome mine, and will even become mine.

It will be a delight like none other I have ever known, because it will, for the first time, be absent of me. That joy will finally be one that is perfectly calibrated and wonderfully aimed.

The struggle to embrace this thought allows me to dig further underneath what I see and to hold my head a bit higher as I tolerate me, alone.

The Grand Pumpkin

2008-11-03T21:49:00.002-05:00

If you want to have your entire belief system and deepest convictions challenged, watch the clip below.

Story time

2008-10-26T02:02:00.016-04:00

For the past few days I have been walking the streets of the North Shore to interview as many random people as I can. To be brief, I am covering personal finance and economy stories for the next four weeks, and the interviews I conduct this weekend are critical to finding foundations for these stories.

As a result, I am realizing how incredibly difficult it is to find good stories.

I finally saw that I always took good news stories for granted, but today that has changed.

It's easy as sin to think of great stories, but to actually find evidence of them in the real world is another matter.

It takes a lot of hope, endurance and resolve to delve underneath some people's answers to poke at the real flesh of what they are saying, and even then it's not guaranteed that what oozes out is worthy of a story. Yet, no matter how much I try to track down awesome stories, I find them incredibly evasive. Many times it feels like chasing a ghost of my mind.

After a few hours of tiresome interviewing, I sat at the Metra station in Wilmette, cold and sleepy. I looked down the endless strip of metal and wood to my left, to my right, and wondered how wonderful it would be to have a story find me.

Then I realized that I have known this wonder - that I have been the one sought after by the Story itself.

It is, after all, the greatest story of them all. If it were left up to me to find it, I would be in infinitely vexing, fatally deep despair. But to have it find me - that is incredibly liberating. I can rest now, because I have it and it has me.

---

On another note, I sent my absentee ballot yesterday. I won't say who I voted for here, but I wanted to share this photo and caption that a good friend of mine shared with me.

© Callie Shell / Aurora for Time

I loved that he cleaned up after himself before leaving an ice cream shop in Wapello, Iowa. He didn't have to. The event was over and the press had left. He is used to taking care of things himself and I think this is one of the qualities that makes Obama different from so many other political candidates I've encountered. Nov. 7, 2007.

(Here's more of where it came from.)

The Earth Will Shake

2008-10-18T18:35:00.001-04:00

Turn up the volume for this one. (See the whole gig here.)

Rubber Duckie

2008-10-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

You really gotta hold on me...

2008-10-16T22:35:00.004-04:00

The leaves are turning beautiful shades of gold, brown and red, a distinct crispness permeates the air, layers and jackets are worn again, butterflies flutter around my stomach as their wings brush my heartstrings...

*sigh*

Yes, it's that time of year again: Fantasy Basketball fever is upon me, and I love it.

This year, I'm in a 9-cat, 20-team league, and this is my team:

Sassy Boys
1.	(12)	Danny Granger
2.	(29)	Jose Calderon
3.	(52)	Gerald Wallace
4.	(69)	Greg Oden
5.	(92)	Manu Ginobili
6.	(109)	Derrick Rose
7.	(132)	Hakim Warrick
8.	(149)	Rudy Fernandez
9.	(172)	Andrea Bargnani
10.	(189)	Russell Westbrook
11.	(212)	Sean Williams
12.	(229)	Aaron Gray

Sassy Boys 2008-09: You'd better not break my heart.

Your lips, your lies, your lust

2008-10-15T01:51:00.006-04:00

Screw Nick and Norah's endless list of songs.

Here is a finite playlist of songs that has helped me to stay awake until 4 a.m. multiple times during the past couple weeks.

Also, at the end are trivial photos of my desk. (I have to use these to learn the art of photo editing tomorrow.)

Enjoy.

(Hopefully I'll have a more heartfelt post soon. My brain's just been fried lately.)

---

Anberlin - Feel Good Drag

Anberlin - Breathe

Oasis - Waiting for the Rapture

Oasis - Soldier On

Paramore - Hallelujah

TV on the Radio - Halfway Home

TV on the Radio - Crying

mewithoutYou - In a Market Dimly Lit

Thrice - Firebreather

---

I love everything about you that hurts

KNOCKED UP (WITH LOVE)

WAITING ALONE

HAPPINESS VS. JOY

FAIR-WEATHER JOY

YOUR MOVE, CHIEF

ALONE

JOSH GARRELS: 'RISE'

FINISHED STORIES

FIT TO BE SEEN

CONFESSION

THANKSGIVING

GROWING STRAIGHT UP

DELUSIONAL RHINO

WALK WITH ME

PART-TIME MAN OF PRINCIPLE

HAND REMOVED

ABSENT INTENTION

UNBEARABLE

THE INTOLERABLE COMPLIMENT

Smile! God Loves You!

RUNAWAY BRIDE(S)

REGULAR?

SONNET

TWO

Here dies another day During which I have had eyes, ears, hands And the great world round me; And with tomorrow begins another. Why am I allowed two? - G.K. Chesterton

LOVE

BEHIND YOUR BACK

Isaiah 38:17

TRUTH NOW, LAZARUS

NEW EYES, NEW WORDS

A LIVE BODY

MEN'S BATHROOM CONSPIRACY

A CURSE AND A BLESSING

THE PLAY

A CALL TO ARMS

Glory, not blame

The Lord's Love for Israel

The Carousel

Maleldil

Daniel 9:7-11

Sleeping At Last

The Gospel

Thankful

Wooden pews and floors respond

Happy dog

Familiar tongue

Christmas, darker

Voices and hands

The last card

Naive, by Sleeping At Last

Untitled

Sleeping At Last - 'All This to Say' covered by Mark Beasley

Entitled

Clarity

Baby talk

Splatter

Life brings death, and vice versa

Piñata tears

Enjoy

When I was your age...

Singing to a beloved turned away

Bolt, Wikus, Saul and greatness

Earning death, receiving life

The prodigal sprinkler, or the prodigal God

I'm alive

Sebastian's Voodoo

Happy Mother's Day

My life gets in the way of my Life

The Grand Demythologizer: The Gospel and Idolatry

I am a failure

glory (n.)

"Prayer" by C.S. Lewis

Offensive silence

There's no "u" in "dream"

I am Dr. Manhattan

Fwd

Megan Joy Corkrey

Heart ascending

Your move, chief

Here dies another day
During which I have had eyes, ears, hands
And the great world round me;
And with tomorrow begins another.
Why am I allowed two?

- G.K. Chesterton